Monday, March 31, 2008

Random Rankings: Round 1 Sudden Death Match (Hee hee)

In the Spirit of March Madness (I don't really know why I capitalized "spirit" just then, maybe as in "Spirit of Christmas Past." Just go with it.), I have decided to start ranking things every now and then, mostly as a go-to blog when I've got writer's block or am being too boring. That sounds very vague doesn't it? Well, that's the point! I am vague! These rankings will be between anything! ANYTHING! Imagine the possibilities! Mostly I will focus on matchups between different products/concepts/technologies/creatures, etc. that are often grouped together in people's minds. You'll get the drift. I'll just give my own two cents, and apply my limited life-view to determine what I think is the "better" of the two. (NOTE: This is likely to cause debate even with the most trivial of pairs, and oh yes, I will be very trivial. Oftentimes I will be tongue-in-cheek or morbidly biased, but I will honestly try to be as objective as possible. Or not. ) This will be in the same vein as the Great Latke-Hamantash Debate, but hopefully even more trivial! Let the games begin!

For this inaugural post, let me start with an easy pairing. Well, easy for me:

VAMPIRE VS. WEREWOLF


If you know me, then you should know where I stand on this. But let's all pretend I'm capable of objectivity. Let's start with the origins of both of these creatures, whose myths can be traced back hundreds of years, and appear in many different cultures.

Similar myths have existed since the early Mesopotamians, but the traditional Anne Rice-esque vampire has only been known since the early 1800s, in Southeastern Europe with countless slight variations. Historical figures associated with vampirism have been Vlad Tepes (Vlad the Impaler--influence for Dracula), Gilles de Rais, and Countess Elizabeth Bathory. The werewolf has been around just as long, but in its current form it can be recognized even in Ancient Greek myth. In one tale, Lycaon, a brash king, was transformed into a wolf as a penalty for eating human flesh, and the tale spread from there. The tales of the Úlfhéðnar, or Berserkers, in Norse mythology are very similar to that of traditional werewolves, in that they wore only the pelts of wolves and bears into battle and would almost be transformed into animals, and were the most formidable warriors because of it. Now, let's see where these origin myths have ended up.

Vampires today bring forth images of savage, yet charismatic undead nobility, who need to satisfy their hunger for human blood, while still living with the trappings of royalty. Werewolves are thought to be poor, unlucky everymen, who get bitten by werewolves, and are doomed to transform every full moon into wild, uncontrollable creatures. To compare: vampires are considered the epitome of excess, as most historical figures associated with vampirism are royalty, whose insatiable bloodlust or longing for eternal life/youth/beauty caused them to commit unspeakable crimes; many myths agree that to become a vampire, a person has to will it--to drink the blood of a vampire. Werewolves are everymen transformed into beasts through no fault of their own, the epitome of the id unleashed. Werewolves inspire much more pity and pathos, because they are just having a really bad day. They didn't ask to get turned into werewolves, and now some stupid monster hunter is coming after them with silver bullets in his sniper rifle. That sucks, eternally-damned wolf-creatures--sorry! And, because I refuse to feel sorry for my monsters (sack up Wolfman!), the point goes to vampires. Vampires:1 Werewolves:0.

To be even shallower, let's turn to Buffy (see above examples). Now, Buffy specifically hunted vampires. The show was Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But because I watched this when I was a teenage girl, I looked at the show through the lens of "which guy would I like to date?" Angel or Oz is the representative example of this epic debate. Yes, Angel is hot. Yes, he is dark and brooding and wonderful. Yes, he is over 200 years old and has a really cool tattoo. But, I'd still totally date Oz. I mean, he's played by Seth Green! I'd even lock him in his cage for those 3 days of the month and hang out, while he's being a creepy wolf-man. This point goes to werewolves. Vampires:1 Werewolves: 1.

It's getting difficult now. We're tied up. I could go through countless examples of how these two creatures differ and how modern media paints them. I could compare google entries, and medical disorders attributed to both creatures. I could think about religion's impact on the genesis of these monsters, and get all philosophical. I could list all the actors who have played vampires and werewolves. However, considering this is a post regarding evil creatures, who hunt humans, I'll consider the tie-breaker in this fashion: which would I rather die to. Now, I don't particularly want to die to either, but if given a choice I would think about it in the following way:

-Death 1: (the first time I wrote this, it ended up sounding like an, uh, Anne Rice novel [read: kinda soft-core pornish], so I'm being much more abstract now) Random pale, handsome and well-dressed stranger, who I could meet anywhere entrances me and leads me away from the pack. We would probably end up somewhere comfortable, where I would drink entirely too much wine. I die in his arms, while I fade away in an uncomfortable but not excruciating manner, as he drinks from my jugular. At least he was hot.
-Death 2: During a full moon, I go camping in the woods with my closest friends. One by one we get picked off by a wild animal. We find the bodies mangled and half-eaten, with their last looks of horror still etched on their faces. My last vision will be seeing a huge man-beast lumbering towards me, with foul blood and flesh smeared on its face. I will die in incredible pain, after it rips an arm off and starts eating it in front of me.

Gosh, which would I choose? I think the winner is obvious. Vampires are more humane, people! Seriously! If you had to die, I hope you'd make the right choice, and go for a nice, slow bloodletting. And if you're really nice, and so inclined, you could get turned and hunt in the night with a really hot new friend.

VAMPIRE FOR THE WIN! CONGRATULATIONS UNDEAD NETHER-THING!

I mean, come on, it should be obvious guys...

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