I'm Issuing an Orange Alert. It Would Behoove Governments of the World to Follow Suit.

Okay, I want to talk about something very serious today. I am gravely concerned for the safety and well-being of planet Earth. Do other people not realize that we are in very serious danger? Our lives are hanging by a mere thread. The Sword of Damocles is perched precariously over our heads. I am speaking to the IMMINENT global threat known as

SCARY GIANT MONSTER-TYPE CREATURES FROM THE OCEAN

The creature from Cloverfield is a recent fictional representation of this very real danger. I don't think that we, as humans, can ignore it any longer. And you can bet I have examples!

This is a sound (known as the "Bloop") recorded by the US National Ocean and Atmospheric Administration during the summer of 1997, off of the southwest coast of South America. Scientists have studied this phenomenon and cannot determine the source of the noise. The pattern of sound matches the audio profile of a living creature, albeit a living creature unknown to current science. This creature would have to be much much larger than even a Blue Whale, the largest known animal in existence; also, much larger than the dinosaurs were. The blue whale can grow up to 110 feet in length and weigh 200 tons. There are other instances of unexplained noises from the deep: The Slow Down is another prominent one. Curiously, this sound also seems to originate from the west coast of South America. Coincidence, I think not.[edit: apparently, this sound has been heard in many other parts of the southern hemisphere; many scientists believe that it has man-made origins such as secret governmental advanced weapons testing. But that's a conspiracy for another time.]

Now, many HP Lovecraft fans have taken these sounds and run with them, crying "Cthulu! Cthulu!" This is ridiculous. Lovecraft inadvertently played so many of these people for saps, by creating these dark tales about the enormous, evilish, tentacled, alien entity. For those of you unfamiliar with Cthulu, let me give you the cheap man's Wikipedia version of it. Cthulu, according to Lovecraftian mythos, is a leader of "The Great Old Ones," ancient creatures, who lived before mankind ever existed. Cthulu is said to be waiting and dreaming in a great city at the very bottom of the ocean, and when he wakes, he will rule over the world once more. The place where Cthulu supposedly lies dormant is also off of the Southwestern coast of South America. But the reason for all the similarity is simply that this is a large patch of deep ocean, with not much land nearby. (FYI I've never actually read any Lovecraft--this is all based on research I've been doing today. Despite my incredible love of vampires, I was never that kid.)

Although Cthulu itself is ridiculous, enormous creatures from the deep ARE possible, and in fact, proven.



See, Giant Squid. Mini Kraken. Large specimens have washed up on shores all around the world, and some whales have been discovered with enormous sucker marks, scars from what one can imagine to be epic battles between these natural enemies! The Giant Squid is a common occurrence of the phenomenon "deep sea gigantism," which is what it sounds like. Some creatures just get very very large, the deeper into the abyss they live (it is common in Antarctic waters). Some theories about deep-sea gigantism are the creatures need to adapt to fewer sources of food or adaptation to greater pressure.

If we have discovered such enormous creatures, which either washed up on shore, or were caught, what haven't we found? There are numerous sightings of bizarre creatures, which have never been seen before. It would be folly to think that we can find every organism that is on Earth. In fact, we should stop looking. It is possible for humans to peacefully coexist with these Leviathans, but let's all be honest with ourselves here, when have humans ever peacefully coexisted with anything. The more we deep-sea fish and trawl, the greater chance that we disturb something, which shouldn't be disturbed. What if it decides to fight back? You may argue that such a creature cannot survive closer to the surface, and certainly cannot become land-born. Perhaps you are correct. But I think, nay, tis best not to aggravate Mother Nature. She'll find a way of messing you up.

Why is everyone so obsessed with looking at the sky as the dangerous, alien frontier? We should be much more concerned at what's going on within the waters! Mulder was looking the wrong way!

But brave citizens of Earth, do not despair! Panic is not recommended in this situation. I do suggest a very immediate cessation of deep-sea trawling in unexplored locations. That coast of South America should be avoided at all costs. Bear in mind IT MAY BE TOO LATE. For further protection, I recommend discontinuance of long-term oceanic travel. Sailors and fishermen should be on high alert. I strongly urge all cruise-takers to remain on land for your vacations. It's not worth it!

Most important of all, stay strong humanity! United, we may face unspeakable aquatic dangers together. YOU ARE THE FUTURE, BIPEDS! GOOD LUCK!