I can't believe I never saw this before! I love me a good parody, and this one was fun:
Alanis Morissette Cover: My Humps
It's completely ridiculous, because the original song invites this kind of mockery. I just think that it's hilarious that Alanis went to the trouble of making fun of this song, by covering it in her style. Apparantly, even Fergie liked this version.
I never really liked the original, but for some reason, am more endeared to it after watching this.
PS-I completely lost it here at work when it got to the "no drama" part. Nicely played, Alanis.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Come With Me if You Want to Live
Since I promised it...
I could totally handle being the Mother of the Future. How awesome would that be? Seriously! I wouldn't have to have a real job, since surviving seems to be a job in and of itself. I'd get to kick lots of ass and take a few names. I'd have a reputation in the future for being the most bad-ass mother in the world. And not to mention, have this guy fall madly in love with me (well for a couple hours before he dies horribly at the hands of The Governator):
So yeah, okay, that probably means that I'll have to actually give birth to a child. But that child will totally be the messiah! Cyborgs from the future will come back in time to protect us, while others try to kill us. It's a stressful life, but it'll at least be interesting! I'd probably get to fire an Uzi!
I mean, Sarah Connor is one badass woman. Linda Hamilton played her damn well, and now Lena Headey is doing a great job as well. I like the new Sarah Connor Chronicles, because the show offers the same tone as the movies, and actual depth of both performance and writing. The plots are pretty cool, and hopefully the show can maintain this level of "what the hell is going on" with a realistic spin on this universe. And I really hope that they manage to bring Kyle Reese (see above) back in some way. Not to mention that this is the new, good Terminator:
Some of you should know her as River Tam on Firefly, an amazing little show by Joss Whedon. For those of you who don't know it, well, she's pretty badass. Trust me, she can pull off playing a Terminator.
I forgot how cool the Terminator was. I recently rewatched T2, and I remembered why this is one of the most important science fiction movies ever made. This was one of the first impressive man vs. machines, against Artificial Intelligence statements. The Matrix owes a lot to The Terminator. And as I watched T2, I realized that I've only seen the original once or twice. So I rented the first one, and watched it as well. I forgot how awesome it was! It's basically a love story between Kyle Reese and Sarah Connor, with a giant killer cyborg as the antagonist! I love me a good romance. And it's so 80s! The hair, the clothes, the music. OH GOD, the Terminator love theme is awesome! Synthesizers galore!
So yeah, Mother of the Future. Where can I sign up? If only the Resistance recruited through Craigslist--I'm totally ready to fight the machines.
I could totally handle being the Mother of the Future. How awesome would that be? Seriously! I wouldn't have to have a real job, since surviving seems to be a job in and of itself. I'd get to kick lots of ass and take a few names. I'd have a reputation in the future for being the most bad-ass mother in the world. And not to mention, have this guy fall madly in love with me (well for a couple hours before he dies horribly at the hands of The Governator):
So yeah, okay, that probably means that I'll have to actually give birth to a child. But that child will totally be the messiah! Cyborgs from the future will come back in time to protect us, while others try to kill us. It's a stressful life, but it'll at least be interesting! I'd probably get to fire an Uzi!
I mean, Sarah Connor is one badass woman. Linda Hamilton played her damn well, and now Lena Headey is doing a great job as well. I like the new Sarah Connor Chronicles, because the show offers the same tone as the movies, and actual depth of both performance and writing. The plots are pretty cool, and hopefully the show can maintain this level of "what the hell is going on" with a realistic spin on this universe. And I really hope that they manage to bring Kyle Reese (see above) back in some way. Not to mention that this is the new, good Terminator:
Some of you should know her as River Tam on Firefly, an amazing little show by Joss Whedon. For those of you who don't know it, well, she's pretty badass. Trust me, she can pull off playing a Terminator.
I forgot how cool the Terminator was. I recently rewatched T2, and I remembered why this is one of the most important science fiction movies ever made. This was one of the first impressive man vs. machines, against Artificial Intelligence statements. The Matrix owes a lot to The Terminator. And as I watched T2, I realized that I've only seen the original once or twice. So I rented the first one, and watched it as well. I forgot how awesome it was! It's basically a love story between Kyle Reese and Sarah Connor, with a giant killer cyborg as the antagonist! I love me a good romance. And it's so 80s! The hair, the clothes, the music. OH GOD, the Terminator love theme is awesome! Synthesizers galore!
So yeah, Mother of the Future. Where can I sign up? If only the Resistance recruited through Craigslist--I'm totally ready to fight the machines.
THEY HAVE GONE TOO FAR
Remember how I am displeased with the current state of the world, and am taking solace with this displeasure thanks to Wilson and his wonderfully woeful works? Yeah, just got reminded about how much I hate people last night.
You ever heard of the new game show Moment of Truth? If not, let me give you a brief recap of the concept. The idea behind it is that contestants are hooked up to a polygraph prior to the show, and have to answer over 50 incredibly personal questions. The show involves answering some of these same questions in a setting with your closest family and friends present (also, on TV), and you have to tell the truth in order to get a chance to win $500,000. Sounds bad already, doesn't it? Now, this concept should incite discomfort and pain with most people, because everyone has skeletons in their closet, even if they're just thoughts and not actions. I mean, these questions really pry. The family and friends have a chance to dismiss one question from the set, if they don't want to hear the answer. Ouch. This is discomfort for the whole family here.
Why would I watch such an unpleasant thing? Well, let me answer you, Rhetorical Question. I really wanted to watch the new Sarah Connor Chronicles episode, which airs right after this show (and TRUST ME I'm going to have a whole Terminator inspired blog later, possibly later today), so I caught most of one woman's painful session. And it really was like a trainwreck: I couldn't turn away.
The greed is incredible. This woman started with some embarrassing questions, which revealed character flaws, like she stole once from her place of employment, and things like that. But after she reached $10,000, the questions became even more unsettling. Her husband of 2 years was present--a really nice looking young guy, a cop. He shrugged off the stealing thing, and seemed a good sport at the time, but after a few minutes, I really felt for him. The questions focused like a laser beam on her marriage, with the camera cutting away to him at crucial moments. It was revealed that she was in love with another man on her wedding day, and they brought the ex-boyfriend out to read the question "If I told you I loved you, would you leave your husband for me." The ex-boyfriend actually seemed incredibly uncomfortable asking it. Her sister pushed the button so that they would not hear the answer, even though the husband wanted to know. The next question was worse. The next question was "Have you ever cheated on your husband with another man?" The answer was yes. The camera cut to her husband, and he was clearly very upset by this. THIS WAS JUST FOR MONEY. She was ruining her marriage for a CHANCE at $100,000; that wasn't even the ultimate question in that round.
Let me back up and say that the host filmed a personal disclaimer before the second half of this show, saying that it was the most uncomfortable he's ever been in this situation, and we should watch it with caution. The last question was somehow fitting: "do you think you're a good person?" She answered "yes." The answer was false. She lost everything she had earned up to that point, and probably destroyed her relationships with the other people in her life.
Now, whether or not this was staged, and the family knew about these things, and just wanted to win money is one thing. But the worst part of the damn show was the audience. They cheered and booed at every horrid answer to every horrid question. It's like the Colosseum, where the only sport is watching our own senses of propriety and decency getting slaughtered instead of gladiators. I sounded like a very crotchety old person just then, but I've never been into people airing their dirty laundry on national television. When I did watch Jerry Springer as a young'un, I never really saw the guests as real people. Those were sideshow acts, with all the screaming and cussing and fights that Steve had to break up. It didn't seem real, and that was kind of the point. This show was all TOO real. These were clearly real people, acting real. It sucked for me. But the audience thought it was great fun, booing and cheering as the woman revealed every new, horrible truth. Even the host was disturbed with the enthusiasm of the audience, and reminded them that everything happening is real and not something to cheer about.
Was it fitting that she didn't win the money with the last question about her self-view? Sure. I wouldn't want to reward her previous honesty. However, I must say that the polygraph results for that kind of question could have been influenced by anything; it's too subjective a question and not a hard truth. It could've been a move of the producers to turn reality tv into justice, making it impossible for her to win. I just don't know.
Was it worth it? Well, now the whole country (okay, those people watching Fox) knows what kind of a person she is, and if her marriage isn't suffering because of this, I'd be amazed. I say, save it for a therapist's office, instead of a game show. Let people with milder dramas have a turn to reveal their more normal secrets.
Next week, I'll just watch a rerun of Law and Order, or something instead of that. I don't really want to feel sleazy watching TV.
You ever heard of the new game show Moment of Truth? If not, let me give you a brief recap of the concept. The idea behind it is that contestants are hooked up to a polygraph prior to the show, and have to answer over 50 incredibly personal questions. The show involves answering some of these same questions in a setting with your closest family and friends present (also, on TV), and you have to tell the truth in order to get a chance to win $500,000. Sounds bad already, doesn't it? Now, this concept should incite discomfort and pain with most people, because everyone has skeletons in their closet, even if they're just thoughts and not actions. I mean, these questions really pry. The family and friends have a chance to dismiss one question from the set, if they don't want to hear the answer. Ouch. This is discomfort for the whole family here.
Why would I watch such an unpleasant thing? Well, let me answer you, Rhetorical Question. I really wanted to watch the new Sarah Connor Chronicles episode, which airs right after this show (and TRUST ME I'm going to have a whole Terminator inspired blog later, possibly later today), so I caught most of one woman's painful session. And it really was like a trainwreck: I couldn't turn away.
The greed is incredible. This woman started with some embarrassing questions, which revealed character flaws, like she stole once from her place of employment, and things like that. But after she reached $10,000, the questions became even more unsettling. Her husband of 2 years was present--a really nice looking young guy, a cop. He shrugged off the stealing thing, and seemed a good sport at the time, but after a few minutes, I really felt for him. The questions focused like a laser beam on her marriage, with the camera cutting away to him at crucial moments. It was revealed that she was in love with another man on her wedding day, and they brought the ex-boyfriend out to read the question "If I told you I loved you, would you leave your husband for me." The ex-boyfriend actually seemed incredibly uncomfortable asking it. Her sister pushed the button so that they would not hear the answer, even though the husband wanted to know. The next question was worse. The next question was "Have you ever cheated on your husband with another man?" The answer was yes. The camera cut to her husband, and he was clearly very upset by this. THIS WAS JUST FOR MONEY. She was ruining her marriage for a CHANCE at $100,000; that wasn't even the ultimate question in that round.
Let me back up and say that the host filmed a personal disclaimer before the second half of this show, saying that it was the most uncomfortable he's ever been in this situation, and we should watch it with caution. The last question was somehow fitting: "do you think you're a good person?" She answered "yes." The answer was false. She lost everything she had earned up to that point, and probably destroyed her relationships with the other people in her life.
Now, whether or not this was staged, and the family knew about these things, and just wanted to win money is one thing. But the worst part of the damn show was the audience. They cheered and booed at every horrid answer to every horrid question. It's like the Colosseum, where the only sport is watching our own senses of propriety and decency getting slaughtered instead of gladiators. I sounded like a very crotchety old person just then, but I've never been into people airing their dirty laundry on national television. When I did watch Jerry Springer as a young'un, I never really saw the guests as real people. Those were sideshow acts, with all the screaming and cussing and fights that Steve had to break up. It didn't seem real, and that was kind of the point. This show was all TOO real. These were clearly real people, acting real. It sucked for me. But the audience thought it was great fun, booing and cheering as the woman revealed every new, horrible truth. Even the host was disturbed with the enthusiasm of the audience, and reminded them that everything happening is real and not something to cheer about.
Was it fitting that she didn't win the money with the last question about her self-view? Sure. I wouldn't want to reward her previous honesty. However, I must say that the polygraph results for that kind of question could have been influenced by anything; it's too subjective a question and not a hard truth. It could've been a move of the producers to turn reality tv into justice, making it impossible for her to win. I just don't know.
Was it worth it? Well, now the whole country (okay, those people watching Fox) knows what kind of a person she is, and if her marriage isn't suffering because of this, I'd be amazed. I say, save it for a therapist's office, instead of a game show. Let people with milder dramas have a turn to reveal their more normal secrets.
Next week, I'll just watch a rerun of Law and Order, or something instead of that. I don't really want to feel sleazy watching TV.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Who Am I Kidding? Maybe I could be a good Con Artist?
I'm having such a funny day!
My first endeavor was my grueling physical training session with Joel. He wasn't as wacky today than he normally is. And he kicked my ass. The workout wasn't really as bad as last week's, but it still wore me out. Tomorrow will be interesting, because I'm bound to be much more sore than today. Let's just hope that I'm not horribly crippled like last time.
But better still! No, wait for it; it's great! Who do you think just tried on a $5,000 jacket? Yeah, that's right! Sometimes I like to play make-believe. It's the part of me that's still an 8-yr old child. I went downtown to get some cash, which is actually much closer for me than walking all the way to the Citibank in Lincoln Park. I decided that I wanted to walk around designer stores. First I started with Ralph Lauren, which I've been in before, and is fairly accessible for someone with my cash flow. I actually thought about buying a couple of 80-dollar polos. But that's not the really funny part: after I finished at Ralph Lauren, I decided to really go for it. That's right, I went to Giorgio Armani. No, not the Armani Exchange--the real store that shows the Runway Collection. HA!
Interlude to say that I love going to the boutiques for designer clothes! They're such showcases for the clothes, and not real stores. There were also, like, five people in the whole store--all workers. When I entered and saw this, I actually worried that I had made a mistake. The whole focus on the store would be on me.
Aw, hell, I'm just going to go for it. I was totally expecting a Pretty Woman type of exchange, where passive-aggressive, bitchy salespeople would see that I clearly am just pretending, and ignore me until I finally leave. NOT THE CASE. Well, it was a little with some of the salespeople, because one woman haughtily told me that this store housed the runway collection, which I just shrugged off as passively as I could. So, I guess I looked like I have money, because one saleswoman really latched on to me. She brought me coffee and, ahem, helped me look for my new jacket.
I honestly have no idea whether or not she really knew about me. If she did, she had remarkable poise and treated me like any other customer. She even encouraged me to try on some of the jackets that I liked. (She also complimented my taste! Okay, I know it was part of her job.) She set me up in a dressing room and gave me a $500 white t-shirt to wear while trying on the jackets. She also found me two nice suits to try on as well. And I do have to admit, the clothes looked great on me. One jacket in particular, kind of funky, with a side zipper, a little like a classic motorcycle jacket.
She came in the dressing room, complimented me on my clothing choice, and began to talk about tailoring. Uh oh. ABORT! The jig was most certainly up at this point, so I just fessed up. Kinda. I very kindly told her that these clothes were a little out of my personal price range. This was the first time that her placid demeanor cracked a bit, and she looked a little disappointed. But, I then asked if these pieces were featured online anywhere, in case I wanted "to show someone." I figured that was the best strategy: make it seem like I come from money, but don't necessarily have it myself. Maybe I have a ridiculously rich grandmother, who likes to buy me designer clothes? It seemed to appease her, and she gave me her card, when I signed up to get emails about his new collections.
Maybe I never fooled her in the first place, and she was just playing along. If so, that was mighty nice of her to treat me like any other customer. If not, I really disappointed her when I told her I couldn't buy the clothes.
Who knows? Maybe one of these days I'll be able to get one of those jackets. Or a nice Armani suit. But for now, I think I'll just stay out of these stores.
My first endeavor was my grueling physical training session with Joel. He wasn't as wacky today than he normally is. And he kicked my ass. The workout wasn't really as bad as last week's, but it still wore me out. Tomorrow will be interesting, because I'm bound to be much more sore than today. Let's just hope that I'm not horribly crippled like last time.
But better still! No, wait for it; it's great! Who do you think just tried on a $5,000 jacket? Yeah, that's right! Sometimes I like to play make-believe. It's the part of me that's still an 8-yr old child. I went downtown to get some cash, which is actually much closer for me than walking all the way to the Citibank in Lincoln Park. I decided that I wanted to walk around designer stores. First I started with Ralph Lauren, which I've been in before, and is fairly accessible for someone with my cash flow. I actually thought about buying a couple of 80-dollar polos. But that's not the really funny part: after I finished at Ralph Lauren, I decided to really go for it. That's right, I went to Giorgio Armani. No, not the Armani Exchange--the real store that shows the Runway Collection. HA!
Interlude to say that I love going to the boutiques for designer clothes! They're such showcases for the clothes, and not real stores. There were also, like, five people in the whole store--all workers. When I entered and saw this, I actually worried that I had made a mistake. The whole focus on the store would be on me.
Aw, hell, I'm just going to go for it. I was totally expecting a Pretty Woman type of exchange, where passive-aggressive, bitchy salespeople would see that I clearly am just pretending, and ignore me until I finally leave. NOT THE CASE. Well, it was a little with some of the salespeople, because one woman haughtily told me that this store housed the runway collection, which I just shrugged off as passively as I could. So, I guess I looked like I have money, because one saleswoman really latched on to me. She brought me coffee and, ahem, helped me look for my new jacket.
I honestly have no idea whether or not she really knew about me. If she did, she had remarkable poise and treated me like any other customer. She even encouraged me to try on some of the jackets that I liked. (She also complimented my taste! Okay, I know it was part of her job.) She set me up in a dressing room and gave me a $500 white t-shirt to wear while trying on the jackets. She also found me two nice suits to try on as well. And I do have to admit, the clothes looked great on me. One jacket in particular, kind of funky, with a side zipper, a little like a classic motorcycle jacket.
She came in the dressing room, complimented me on my clothing choice, and began to talk about tailoring. Uh oh. ABORT! The jig was most certainly up at this point, so I just fessed up. Kinda. I very kindly told her that these clothes were a little out of my personal price range. This was the first time that her placid demeanor cracked a bit, and she looked a little disappointed. But, I then asked if these pieces were featured online anywhere, in case I wanted "to show someone." I figured that was the best strategy: make it seem like I come from money, but don't necessarily have it myself. Maybe I have a ridiculously rich grandmother, who likes to buy me designer clothes? It seemed to appease her, and she gave me her card, when I signed up to get emails about his new collections.
Maybe I never fooled her in the first place, and she was just playing along. If so, that was mighty nice of her to treat me like any other customer. If not, I really disappointed her when I told her I couldn't buy the clothes.
Who knows? Maybe one of these days I'll be able to get one of those jackets. Or a nice Armani suit. But for now, I think I'll just stay out of these stores.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
A Day in the Life of My Credit Cards
Since it's the weekend, I'm normally out and about buying all sorts of frivolous things. I thought this would provide some sort of insight into my whole process when I'm buying things. And now I present a dialogue:
Cristina's brain: I need new clothes and other things. Let's go shopping!
Mastercard: Well we're already downtown, since you broke your damn glasses and needed to get them fixed.
Cristina's brain: Yeah, but I wanted to go shopping anyway. Also, shut up.
Mastercard: Okay, where do you want to go?
Cristina's brain: Crate and Barrel. I need a cocktail shaker, now that I have vodka.
Mastercard: Yeah, okay, lush.
Cristina's brain: Hey, I didn't break up with tequila, so that I could take your crap right now. I just want a refreshing cocktail, without having to mix it up in a mug!
Mastercard: Yeah, I agree. Plus, you need to start fitting in with the yuppie crowd.
Cristina's brain: Yep. I wonder what I'm having for dinner tonight...
After Crate and Barrel
Cristina's brain: This cocktail shaker is so cute! It's a mini!
Mastercard: Whatever, can we go home now?
Cristina's brain: I want to stop by Water Tower Place first to ogle the jackets.
Mastercard: Girl, you're messed up.
At Macy's
Cristina's brain: Oh! I need gloves! My bare hands can't handle the cold right now.
Mastercard: This is the wrong place for that shit. Back. Away. Slowly. We're in leather goods!
Macy's Card: mmghmgh ghgam
Cristina's brain: What was that Macy's card? Let me take you out of my wallet.
Macy's card: Leather gloves! Omigod they're so amazing!
Cristina's brain: They're kind of expensive, don't you think?
Mastercard: I agree.
Macy's card: Oh, but look! They're 33% off, and I can totally get you an extra 15% off! Look at them! You'll look so fierce wearing them!
Cristina's brain: Well, I have always wanted leather gloves.
Mastercard: THINK, GIRL! They'll still be too damn expensive, and you KNOW you're going to lose one of them on the bus. Plus, the only ones, which actually fit your little elf hands, are brown! You don't even like brown! You're probably going to look like a middle-aged woman!
Cristina's brain: But they feel so nice...
Macy's card: You are so fierce right now! And they're lined in cashmere. Cashmere is SO FIERCE!
Cristina's brain: Brown goes with things right? I can figure it out. I mean I have personal taste! I have style.
Mastercard:...
Macy's card:...
Cristina's brain: I kinda want to buy them.
Macy's card: Rock it, girl!
Mastercard: Yeesh, fine, you win this round Macy's.
Macy's card: Whatev, you're just jealous, cuz I get to buy her all the fun things that she TOTALLY loves, like that leather jacket. Yeah, that's right, I'm amazing and kind of a big deal.
Mastercard: Aw, isn't that precious. I bought her that incredible LCD HDTV. So you can suck it, kid.
Macy's card: Whatev, you're old.
Mastercard: At least I talked her out of going grocery shopping at Fox & Obel today.
Cristina's brain: Oh, that reminds me. We need to go to Treasure Island later.
Mastercard: Just be practical, please. And at least attempt to be healthy.
Cristina's brain: Aren't I always?
Mastercard:...
Macy's card:...
At Treasure Island
Cristina's brain: Hey, I want to get this! I've always wanted to try to make one of these.
Mastercard: A cornish game hen? Really?
Cristina's brain: What?
Mastercard: Oh, nothing. Just keep shopping, fool.
Cristina's brain: Ooh, hey. I want this!
Mastercard: Ready-made chocolate chip cookie dough?!? First, how lazy are you? Second, you better be going to the gym tonight!
Macy's card: I agree. You need to still fit into those Levi's, otherwise you SO won't be fierce, and I won't be able to get you any more hot clothes.
Cristina's brain: I will! And plus, I've got that appointment with a personal trainer tomorrow. It's fine!
Cristina's thighs: We're concerned!
Mastercard: Whatever. As long as you don't take me to McDonald's again. You know I can't be seen there.
Cristina's brain: I was hungry, and the line was the shortest there! I'm sorry! It hurt me too! Hey, peanut butter!
FIN
I honestly could go on and on with this stuff. I hope this shows several things. One, my mind is a dangerous thing when left to its own devices. Two, I seem to be in a dysfunctional, abusive relationship with my Mastercard.
Mastercard: Shut up, nobody asked you! I'll demagnetize my ass and then you'll really be in trouble!
And uh, three, my Macy's card seems to sound just like Christian Siriano.
Macy's Card: Fierce!
Cristina's brain: I need new clothes and other things. Let's go shopping!
Mastercard: Well we're already downtown, since you broke your damn glasses and needed to get them fixed.
Cristina's brain: Yeah, but I wanted to go shopping anyway. Also, shut up.
Mastercard: Okay, where do you want to go?
Cristina's brain: Crate and Barrel. I need a cocktail shaker, now that I have vodka.
Mastercard: Yeah, okay, lush.
Cristina's brain: Hey, I didn't break up with tequila, so that I could take your crap right now. I just want a refreshing cocktail, without having to mix it up in a mug!
Mastercard: Yeah, I agree. Plus, you need to start fitting in with the yuppie crowd.
Cristina's brain: Yep. I wonder what I'm having for dinner tonight...
After Crate and Barrel
Cristina's brain: This cocktail shaker is so cute! It's a mini!
Mastercard: Whatever, can we go home now?
Cristina's brain: I want to stop by Water Tower Place first to ogle the jackets.
Mastercard: Girl, you're messed up.
At Macy's
Cristina's brain: Oh! I need gloves! My bare hands can't handle the cold right now.
Mastercard: This is the wrong place for that shit. Back. Away. Slowly. We're in leather goods!
Macy's Card: mmghmgh ghgam
Cristina's brain: What was that Macy's card? Let me take you out of my wallet.
Macy's card: Leather gloves! Omigod they're so amazing!
Cristina's brain: They're kind of expensive, don't you think?
Mastercard: I agree.
Macy's card: Oh, but look! They're 33% off, and I can totally get you an extra 15% off! Look at them! You'll look so fierce wearing them!
Cristina's brain: Well, I have always wanted leather gloves.
Mastercard: THINK, GIRL! They'll still be too damn expensive, and you KNOW you're going to lose one of them on the bus. Plus, the only ones, which actually fit your little elf hands, are brown! You don't even like brown! You're probably going to look like a middle-aged woman!
Cristina's brain: But they feel so nice...
Macy's card: You are so fierce right now! And they're lined in cashmere. Cashmere is SO FIERCE!
Cristina's brain: Brown goes with things right? I can figure it out. I mean I have personal taste! I have style.
Mastercard:...
Macy's card:...
Cristina's brain: I kinda want to buy them.
Macy's card: Rock it, girl!
Mastercard: Yeesh, fine, you win this round Macy's.
Macy's card: Whatev, you're just jealous, cuz I get to buy her all the fun things that she TOTALLY loves, like that leather jacket. Yeah, that's right, I'm amazing and kind of a big deal.
Mastercard: Aw, isn't that precious. I bought her that incredible LCD HDTV. So you can suck it, kid.
Macy's card: Whatev, you're old.
Mastercard: At least I talked her out of going grocery shopping at Fox & Obel today.
Cristina's brain: Oh, that reminds me. We need to go to Treasure Island later.
Mastercard: Just be practical, please. And at least attempt to be healthy.
Cristina's brain: Aren't I always?
Mastercard:...
Macy's card:...
At Treasure Island
Cristina's brain: Hey, I want to get this! I've always wanted to try to make one of these.
Mastercard: A cornish game hen? Really?
Cristina's brain: What?
Mastercard: Oh, nothing. Just keep shopping, fool.
Cristina's brain: Ooh, hey. I want this!
Mastercard: Ready-made chocolate chip cookie dough?!? First, how lazy are you? Second, you better be going to the gym tonight!
Macy's card: I agree. You need to still fit into those Levi's, otherwise you SO won't be fierce, and I won't be able to get you any more hot clothes.
Cristina's brain: I will! And plus, I've got that appointment with a personal trainer tomorrow. It's fine!
Cristina's thighs: We're concerned!
Mastercard: Whatever. As long as you don't take me to McDonald's again. You know I can't be seen there.
Cristina's brain: I was hungry, and the line was the shortest there! I'm sorry! It hurt me too! Hey, peanut butter!
FIN
I honestly could go on and on with this stuff. I hope this shows several things. One, my mind is a dangerous thing when left to its own devices. Two, I seem to be in a dysfunctional, abusive relationship with my Mastercard.
Mastercard: Shut up, nobody asked you! I'll demagnetize my ass and then you'll really be in trouble!
And uh, three, my Macy's card seems to sound just like Christian Siriano.
Macy's Card: Fierce!
Friday, February 15, 2008
The Hell?!?
Found this randomly. What the hell, Jillian?!? Why didn't you ever act this way on the show? You could have been a really interesting counterpoint to Christian, instead of always being so damn professional.
Jillian's Terrifying Audition Tape
Actually, I'm kinda creeped out by you now. You seemed to be really aggressively flirting with the producers via video, then outright begging. Yikes!
Okay, since you seem really self-conscious here, and this whole effort is so painful, I'm going to guess that you were rejected from the last season simply because you weren't very entertaining. That I can understand, since I think you might be a robot. But a really talented robot. So you played the crazy card to get your foot in the door, and after you were in, went back to your oh-so-mechanical ways. In that case, good for you for working the system to your advantage!
Bad for you that Bravo posted your audition tape. Well, at least the world knows how fun you'd be at a party, and that you really know how to hold up a promise! Congrats on being in the final 3!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
"It's a muthaf***ing walk-off!"
Aside from having less than 5 minutes total work today, I've been having a pretty good day. At least where my priorities currently are. First, Obama swept the East Coast yesterday, which was pretty cool, albeit not unexpected. It's a good run, and I'm still kinda amazed at the level of commitment and attention that people are giving to these Primaries. It's just reflective of the fact that people really REALLY want a change for America. I mean look at the Democratic candidates, and the fact that McCain is the Republican frontrunner. Interesting stuff.
Second, the Writers' Strike is officially over! Yeah! I am so ridiculously excited about this, if only for the pure joy that is new episodes of The Office. They are still a while away, but the simple fact that new episodes are being made makes me very, very happy.
Now I'm getting ready to watch a new episode of Project Runway. The last before the Finale! Yay! My picks were Jillian (my favorite of the season), Christian, and Rami, but now I'm thinking that Chris might be a dark horse and overtake Rami, whose designs are really starting to bore Nina. Boring Nina is probably the worst thing that can happen to a Project Runway designer. OH! I just realized something. Two of my favorite current Reality TV personalities are named Jillian. Weird. It must be something about the name "Jillian," which I've never really considered a great name; in fact, I think the name "Jill" is really dumb. Huh. Maybe it's the extra "-ian" that does it. Well, the additional "-ny" did a world of difference for Johnny Depp. I should look into this...
So yeah, a good day. Now leave me! I need to pour myself a glass of Icewine and prepare for the new Project Runway.
auf Wiedersehen
Second, the Writers' Strike is officially over! Yeah! I am so ridiculously excited about this, if only for the pure joy that is new episodes of The Office. They are still a while away, but the simple fact that new episodes are being made makes me very, very happy.
Now I'm getting ready to watch a new episode of Project Runway. The last before the Finale! Yay! My picks were Jillian (my favorite of the season), Christian, and Rami, but now I'm thinking that Chris might be a dark horse and overtake Rami, whose designs are really starting to bore Nina. Boring Nina is probably the worst thing that can happen to a Project Runway designer. OH! I just realized something. Two of my favorite current Reality TV personalities are named Jillian. Weird. It must be something about the name "Jillian," which I've never really considered a great name; in fact, I think the name "Jill" is really dumb. Huh. Maybe it's the extra "-ian" that does it. Well, the additional "-ny" did a world of difference for Johnny Depp. I should look into this...
So yeah, a good day. Now leave me! I need to pour myself a glass of Icewine and prepare for the new Project Runway.
auf Wiedersehen
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Ode to Jillian Michaels
Can we talk about how ridiculously excited I get about new episodes of The Biggest Loser. It's really embarrassing. Please stop laughing; I think it's a condition. So until the writers OFFICIALLY get back to work, I'm just going to have to wax poetic on Reality TV. And I know, I KNOW, ya'll. It's more than a little humiliating for a TV snob like me to get this into a Reality TV show (which is not on Bravo). But it's so good! And it's partly because of this woman:
I always KNEW that it wasn't really a workout unless someone was screaming or crying. Her training makes my time at the gym seem really weak, and I've run until I've gotten nauseated and thought "oh god, I want to die" several times now. She no longer reminds me of someone unpleasant anymore! I've grown beyond such comparisons. I think she's the right combination of bad-ass and softie, who really feels for her trainees. When she broke down crying in that one episode, I really believed her; truth be told, for me to believe that any person on Reality TV exhibits genuine human emotion when the cameras are rolling is a very impressive feat. And Wikipedia just told me that the reason she does this is that she was overweight as a child. It all makes sense now! She gets really connected with these people and that's so awesome! Okay, I know Bob does as well. Bob is cool too, guys; I don't want to seem too biased with the trainers. I'd be happy to have my ass kicked by either of them! But Bob seems to play the game more than Jillian, and he's got that male ego to contend with.
But I also like The Biggest Loser, because I'm such a sucker for a real transformation. It shouldn't surprise anyone that the reason I got hooked in the first place, was that I caught the finale of one of the seasons. It's so incredible! The winner always loses over half of his initial body weight. Can you even imagine losing an entire person in weight? Amazing! And everyone is so emotional, and there are so many tears, and the trainers are so proud. It got me. Everyone wins in this show, and I love it. I also love that it promotes healthy lifestyles and overall good well-being, which is something that this country definitely needs right now. So...I guess I'm being a patriotic American, promoting the health and well-being of an entire country by watching this TV show. Yeah, that's right.
And, I'm totally going to the gym tonight after I watch this episode. Even though my body still hurts from my workout on Sunday, and I'd much rather be eating another Klondike bar. I'll just pretend that Jillian is screaming at me. Problem solved.
I always KNEW that it wasn't really a workout unless someone was screaming or crying. Her training makes my time at the gym seem really weak, and I've run until I've gotten nauseated and thought "oh god, I want to die" several times now. She no longer reminds me of someone unpleasant anymore! I've grown beyond such comparisons. I think she's the right combination of bad-ass and softie, who really feels for her trainees. When she broke down crying in that one episode, I really believed her; truth be told, for me to believe that any person on Reality TV exhibits genuine human emotion when the cameras are rolling is a very impressive feat. And Wikipedia just told me that the reason she does this is that she was overweight as a child. It all makes sense now! She gets really connected with these people and that's so awesome! Okay, I know Bob does as well. Bob is cool too, guys; I don't want to seem too biased with the trainers. I'd be happy to have my ass kicked by either of them! But Bob seems to play the game more than Jillian, and he's got that male ego to contend with.
But I also like The Biggest Loser, because I'm such a sucker for a real transformation. It shouldn't surprise anyone that the reason I got hooked in the first place, was that I caught the finale of one of the seasons. It's so incredible! The winner always loses over half of his initial body weight. Can you even imagine losing an entire person in weight? Amazing! And everyone is so emotional, and there are so many tears, and the trainers are so proud. It got me. Everyone wins in this show, and I love it. I also love that it promotes healthy lifestyles and overall good well-being, which is something that this country definitely needs right now. So...I guess I'm being a patriotic American, promoting the health and well-being of an entire country by watching this TV show. Yeah, that's right.
And, I'm totally going to the gym tonight after I watch this episode. Even though my body still hurts from my workout on Sunday, and I'd much rather be eating another Klondike bar. I'll just pretend that Jillian is screaming at me. Problem solved.
Monday, February 11, 2008
45 Minutes
That's how long I waited for a bus outside. Did I mention the weather? No? 1 Degree, and probably felt like a negative number. At one point, there was a crowd of literally over one hundred freezing yuppies at my bus stop. We watched as bus after bus passed us, because they were crowded to the breaking point and couldn't take any more passengers.
Also, there wasn't a CTA supervisor to help us by rerouting another bus for the huddled masses. I feel like my bus stop is the poor latchkey kid of the Chicago Transit system. I always have to wait for buses that aren't completely filled, but today was really the kicker. 45 minutes is ridiculous, especially on a painfully cold day. Now, I understand that this is the way that the world works. When it gets cold, more people take public transportation and machines tend to break down more frequently. I get that. But it wasn't a surprise! It wasn't like "whoops, this bizarre cold front came OUT OF NOWHERE AND NOW WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO." I knew the weather was going to turn like this, so the CTA should have had some small inkling as well. This bus stop causes problems even when it's pleasant outside, and one would think that the CTA would take that into account. Seriously. I'm starting to think about drafting an angry letter. It's the future now; where's my jetpack?
In other news, I tested the real gym yesterday. I joined on Thursday and finally dragged myself there yesterday (the one time I left my cozy apartment to brave the wintry north). I like it quite a bit. There's something about the atmosphere of a gym that really gets me to push myself. Maybe it's the sweat in the air, or the tone bodies, or the shiny machines, or some combination of all three. I really want to work my ass off when I'm there. (Okay fine, maybe I had a Klondike bar after the workout--but I earned it!) Another perk--I'm excited to do my consultation with a trainer. Every new member gets one free consultation with a trainer to see how he or she can best take advantage of the gym's services. I tend to be either ADD or OCD when it comes to my gym routines, so I'd like any bit of help. The gym also offers free classes for members, so I'll probably want to take advantage of either the Pilates class or kickboxing. Or maybe that one intense workout bootcamp thing. Anything goes! I just found out that my gym has a book club. Awesome. Just awesome.
In other news, souffles are winners. It was both of our first tries, and it came out really nicely. We need to step up the gourmet factor now. Or possibly do something that doesn't involve cooking. I don't really know what's going on here.
Also, there wasn't a CTA supervisor to help us by rerouting another bus for the huddled masses. I feel like my bus stop is the poor latchkey kid of the Chicago Transit system. I always have to wait for buses that aren't completely filled, but today was really the kicker. 45 minutes is ridiculous, especially on a painfully cold day. Now, I understand that this is the way that the world works. When it gets cold, more people take public transportation and machines tend to break down more frequently. I get that. But it wasn't a surprise! It wasn't like "whoops, this bizarre cold front came OUT OF NOWHERE AND NOW WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO." I knew the weather was going to turn like this, so the CTA should have had some small inkling as well. This bus stop causes problems even when it's pleasant outside, and one would think that the CTA would take that into account. Seriously. I'm starting to think about drafting an angry letter. It's the future now; where's my jetpack?
In other news, I tested the real gym yesterday. I joined on Thursday and finally dragged myself there yesterday (the one time I left my cozy apartment to brave the wintry north). I like it quite a bit. There's something about the atmosphere of a gym that really gets me to push myself. Maybe it's the sweat in the air, or the tone bodies, or the shiny machines, or some combination of all three. I really want to work my ass off when I'm there. (Okay fine, maybe I had a Klondike bar after the workout--but I earned it!) Another perk--I'm excited to do my consultation with a trainer. Every new member gets one free consultation with a trainer to see how he or she can best take advantage of the gym's services. I tend to be either ADD or OCD when it comes to my gym routines, so I'd like any bit of help. The gym also offers free classes for members, so I'll probably want to take advantage of either the Pilates class or kickboxing. Or maybe that one intense workout bootcamp thing. Anything goes! I just found out that my gym has a book club. Awesome. Just awesome.
In other news, souffles are winners. It was both of our first tries, and it came out really nicely. We need to step up the gourmet factor now. Or possibly do something that doesn't involve cooking. I don't really know what's going on here.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
A Typical Day
After much questioning on what exactly I do all day at my job, I thought I'd write up a timeline of a typical day. I will be adding to this all day as events unfold.
6:45: Alarm goes off. Snooze.
6:54: Alarm goes off. Snooze.
7:03: Alarm goes off. Snooze. I'm having a weird dream that I can't remember when I wake up. It can't be weirder than the dream where Matthew McConaughey and I were race car drivers, who were maybe in love.
7:12: Alarm goes off. Snooze.
7:21: Alarm goes off. Snooze.
7:30: Alarm goes off. Snooze.
7:39: Alarm goes off. Snooze.
7:48: Alarm goes off. Snooze.
7:57: Alarm goes off. Snooze. Also, I get up.
8:06: Turn on computer. Brush teeth, floss, etc.
8:15: Alarm goes off. Turn it off this time.
8:18: Get dressed and try to straighten hair as best I can.
8:22: Go on the interwebs and check weather. Try not to get sucked into my email.
8:25: Go to bus stop.
8:44: Finally get on a bus. Currently reading Jasper Fforde's The Fourth Bear.
9:09: Arrive at work, log in, and take phone off voicemail.
9:10: Coffee!
9:11: Check Outlook. Check Gmail. Words of the day are extempore & hypnopompic. I think I'm still in a hypnopompic state.
9:22: Finish catch-up on this blog. Now it really will be in real time.
9:27: Open database and add one entry.
9:28: Television Without Pity! Start reading weecap for yesterday's Project Runway.
9:29: That was quick. But I enjoyed yesterday's episode, for the sheer over-the-top-ness of it. I mean, the creators of Heatherette were the judges. Maybe there's a real word for that? Grandeur? No. The only other word I can think of is "drag-queen-itude" and I think that was used last night. Let's see what the folks at bravotv.com think of the episode.
9:32: Tim's Take. Regarding Chris: "The effect was jungle disco: Rousseau does Vegas." Hee. I agree with a coworker of mine--I would LOVE to have Tim Gunn as my uncle, who I can call when I feel down just so he can tell me to "Make it work!" and "Carry On!" And I'd have to, because he's Tim Gunn.
9:50: I should get some breakfast. Off to Cosi!
9:59: Breakfast=fruit cup and muffin topper. ( I just couldn't make myself write "muffin top") I totally got shortchanged on strawberries this time.
10:02: Added two new fields in database entries. Almost out of work for the day.
10:03: OH! I forgot to check Project Rungay!
10:06: Those boys make me laugh. Now I need to find something else to do.
10:12: Check email.
10:13: More coffee.
10:16: The Gloria Jean k-cups ARE so much better than the Green Mountain k-cups.
10:17: I can't belive I said that. I need to go home and apologize to my gourmet French Roast.
10:18: WHAT? NO PINEAPPLE IN MY FRUIT CUP?!? BLASPHEMY!
10:20: Okay, time for some real work. Reviewing a file and making copies to send on to other people in the department. It's slightly confusing, and I will need to ask a recruiter for more information.
10:43: Out of work again. And out of fruit.
10:44: Check email.
10:45: Television Without Pity again. This time for the Cashmere Mafia recaplet. Heavens, this show is so awful. The writing was clearly done by teenage girls gossiping in Chem AP and dreaming about what life will be like when they're rich and fabulous. The writing is just so bad and contrived and GOD THESE PEOPLE CAN'T ACT EVEN THOUGH THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO--Frances O'Connor, I'm looking at you. (Except for the fake lesbian, SHE'S HILARIOUS. And I think she actually means to be.) Yet, I watch it. What's wrong with me?
10:49: No seriously, the faux lesbian plotline makes DEBS seem realistic.
10:55: Okay, maybe I was overly critical about the acting. There's only so much you can do with horrible scripts and makeovers that make you look like a ten-dollar hooker. And the direction that calls for them to try to sound sultry even when they're talking about, like, their children.
11:00: Add another thing to the database.
11:02: On to Go Fug Yourself. So much snark for a Thursday! I love it! Snarkiness at Fashion Week. Yay!
11:14: Check email. And Facebook.
11:18: Add another file to the database.
11:22: Checking out cnn.com. Being informed about world events is normally good.
11:23: Except for all the reported deaths, tornado victims, and the fiery stand-off in LA. And there goes Romney. He's just suspending the campaign, but it's not a good sign. Not that the GOP hasn't made up its mind already. The Democratic side is a MUCH more interesting race.
11:32: There appears to be some drama here at work. The receptionist has come to talk with my pod-mates. Without spying, I can tell that the receptionist is crying and "that bitch is lying" and she just wants to go home now. Not prying, but it's too late in the week for that shit.
11:34: This is interesting. This sort of search for bliss may influence my own travels in the future. According to another "study," (not sure if I agree with how it quantifies happiness) Denmark is the happiest place in the world. Scandanavia seems to be very happy in general. I always knew I had a good reason for liking the Vikings. All that pillaging is excellent fodder for the soul.
11:44: Crisis seems to have been averted. For now.
11:45: Check email.
11:48: I should go work out today. I didn't work out yesterday, and ate half a pizza. Now that I'm officially signed up for a real gym, there should be no excuse. Except for the weather.
11:55: Sent birthday Facebook message.
12:01: Go Fug Yourself again. Hee, see what I did just then? No? Never mind. The latest entry brings up The Golden Girls, and has me thinking of Halloween.
12:10: Playing with two staple removers and making them "talk" to one another. Silently, of course, so as not to disturb my coworkers' web surfing.
12:11: I should make them little outfits.
12:12: Speaking of staples, why are there so many of them embedded in the carpet around my desk? Did the last person at my desk just staple them into the ground for giggles when she quit? Still looking for that errant Kiss that I lost earlier in the week.
12:15: Epicurious for egg recipes. Cooking this weekend, so I need to have some sort of eggy plan. Souffles?
12:23: Just commiserated with a coworker regarding colleges attacking their alumni for donations. Thankfully, U of C hasn't started calling me. YET.
12:35: Received response from recruiter, and I don't have to do anything else for that file.
12:47: OH MY GOD, LET'S MAKE SOME BAKED ALASKA!
1:00: Coworker is having a loud argument with her significant other via telephone. Now I'm starving due to looking at recipes for 45 minutes. Both of these factors lead to Lunch Time!
1:16: Lunch is sushi and gyoza from Toro. I had to be short with a particularly pushy homeless man outside. Don't say anything! I know what I just said; you don't have to make any wisecracks.
1:20: Check email.
1:22: Now I'm freaking myself out that I'm shooting myself in the foot with this posting. What if my bosses know how to use the internet? Time to change my Facebook settings.
1:30: Got two grains of rice stuck in my keyboard, and finally removed them due to my diligent pressing of the "f" "g" and "v" keys, as well as extra finesse with my chopsticks.
1:54: Go Fug Yourself yet again.
2:00: Finally changed out of snow boots. My right elbow really hurts. Back to work.
2:10: Organizational background duties starting back up again. One file organized with summary sheet typed up.
2:13: Check email.
2:14: Mixing it up--going with hot chocolate this time. I'm a rebel.
2:16: No, seriously, my elbow really hurts.
2:20: Now I'm just biding my time, since our department is throwing a surprise going-away party for my boss' boss, who is leaving the firm tomorrow. We're supposed to meet in a conference room a few minutes before 3:00, turn off the lights (by the way, the conference room has glass walls, so...) and (probably, I don't really know the plan) yell surprise when she comes in. It's my first surprise party, and it's probably going to be as cheesy as it sounds. Eh, there'll be cake.
4:34: Well, that was surprisingly fun. She was even surprised. NO NEW EMAILS OR FILES.
4:47: Going to end this blog, so I can pack up and go home.
Thus ends my typical day. Yeah, University of Chicago degree!
6:45: Alarm goes off. Snooze.
6:54: Alarm goes off. Snooze.
7:03: Alarm goes off. Snooze. I'm having a weird dream that I can't remember when I wake up. It can't be weirder than the dream where Matthew McConaughey and I were race car drivers, who were maybe in love.
7:12: Alarm goes off. Snooze.
7:21: Alarm goes off. Snooze.
7:30: Alarm goes off. Snooze.
7:39: Alarm goes off. Snooze.
7:48: Alarm goes off. Snooze.
7:57: Alarm goes off. Snooze. Also, I get up.
8:06: Turn on computer. Brush teeth, floss, etc.
8:15: Alarm goes off. Turn it off this time.
8:18: Get dressed and try to straighten hair as best I can.
8:22: Go on the interwebs and check weather. Try not to get sucked into my email.
8:25: Go to bus stop.
8:44: Finally get on a bus. Currently reading Jasper Fforde's The Fourth Bear.
9:09: Arrive at work, log in, and take phone off voicemail.
9:10: Coffee!
9:11: Check Outlook. Check Gmail. Words of the day are extempore & hypnopompic. I think I'm still in a hypnopompic state.
9:22: Finish catch-up on this blog. Now it really will be in real time.
9:27: Open database and add one entry.
9:28: Television Without Pity! Start reading weecap for yesterday's Project Runway.
9:29: That was quick. But I enjoyed yesterday's episode, for the sheer over-the-top-ness of it. I mean, the creators of Heatherette were the judges. Maybe there's a real word for that? Grandeur? No. The only other word I can think of is "drag-queen-itude" and I think that was used last night. Let's see what the folks at bravotv.com think of the episode.
9:32: Tim's Take. Regarding Chris: "The effect was jungle disco: Rousseau does Vegas." Hee. I agree with a coworker of mine--I would LOVE to have Tim Gunn as my uncle, who I can call when I feel down just so he can tell me to "Make it work!" and "Carry On!" And I'd have to, because he's Tim Gunn.
9:50: I should get some breakfast. Off to Cosi!
9:59: Breakfast=fruit cup and muffin topper. ( I just couldn't make myself write "muffin top") I totally got shortchanged on strawberries this time.
10:02: Added two new fields in database entries. Almost out of work for the day.
10:03: OH! I forgot to check Project Rungay!
10:06: Those boys make me laugh. Now I need to find something else to do.
10:12: Check email.
10:13: More coffee.
10:16: The Gloria Jean k-cups ARE so much better than the Green Mountain k-cups.
10:17: I can't belive I said that. I need to go home and apologize to my gourmet French Roast.
10:18: WHAT? NO PINEAPPLE IN MY FRUIT CUP?!? BLASPHEMY!
10:20: Okay, time for some real work. Reviewing a file and making copies to send on to other people in the department. It's slightly confusing, and I will need to ask a recruiter for more information.
10:43: Out of work again. And out of fruit.
10:44: Check email.
10:45: Television Without Pity again. This time for the Cashmere Mafia recaplet. Heavens, this show is so awful. The writing was clearly done by teenage girls gossiping in Chem AP and dreaming about what life will be like when they're rich and fabulous. The writing is just so bad and contrived and GOD THESE PEOPLE CAN'T ACT EVEN THOUGH THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO--Frances O'Connor, I'm looking at you. (Except for the fake lesbian, SHE'S HILARIOUS. And I think she actually means to be.) Yet, I watch it. What's wrong with me?
10:49: No seriously, the faux lesbian plotline makes DEBS seem realistic.
10:55: Okay, maybe I was overly critical about the acting. There's only so much you can do with horrible scripts and makeovers that make you look like a ten-dollar hooker. And the direction that calls for them to try to sound sultry even when they're talking about, like, their children.
11:00: Add another thing to the database.
11:02: On to Go Fug Yourself. So much snark for a Thursday! I love it! Snarkiness at Fashion Week. Yay!
11:14: Check email. And Facebook.
11:18: Add another file to the database.
11:22: Checking out cnn.com. Being informed about world events is normally good.
11:23: Except for all the reported deaths, tornado victims, and the fiery stand-off in LA. And there goes Romney. He's just suspending the campaign, but it's not a good sign. Not that the GOP hasn't made up its mind already. The Democratic side is a MUCH more interesting race.
11:32: There appears to be some drama here at work. The receptionist has come to talk with my pod-mates. Without spying, I can tell that the receptionist is crying and "that bitch is lying" and she just wants to go home now. Not prying, but it's too late in the week for that shit.
11:34: This is interesting. This sort of search for bliss may influence my own travels in the future. According to another "study," (not sure if I agree with how it quantifies happiness) Denmark is the happiest place in the world. Scandanavia seems to be very happy in general. I always knew I had a good reason for liking the Vikings. All that pillaging is excellent fodder for the soul.
11:44: Crisis seems to have been averted. For now.
11:45: Check email.
11:48: I should go work out today. I didn't work out yesterday, and ate half a pizza. Now that I'm officially signed up for a real gym, there should be no excuse. Except for the weather.
11:55: Sent birthday Facebook message.
12:01: Go Fug Yourself again. Hee, see what I did just then? No? Never mind. The latest entry brings up The Golden Girls, and has me thinking of Halloween.
12:10: Playing with two staple removers and making them "talk" to one another. Silently, of course, so as not to disturb my coworkers' web surfing.
12:11: I should make them little outfits.
12:12: Speaking of staples, why are there so many of them embedded in the carpet around my desk? Did the last person at my desk just staple them into the ground for giggles when she quit? Still looking for that errant Kiss that I lost earlier in the week.
12:15: Epicurious for egg recipes. Cooking this weekend, so I need to have some sort of eggy plan. Souffles?
12:23: Just commiserated with a coworker regarding colleges attacking their alumni for donations. Thankfully, U of C hasn't started calling me. YET.
12:35: Received response from recruiter, and I don't have to do anything else for that file.
12:47: OH MY GOD, LET'S MAKE SOME BAKED ALASKA!
1:00: Coworker is having a loud argument with her significant other via telephone. Now I'm starving due to looking at recipes for 45 minutes. Both of these factors lead to Lunch Time!
1:16: Lunch is sushi and gyoza from Toro. I had to be short with a particularly pushy homeless man outside. Don't say anything! I know what I just said; you don't have to make any wisecracks.
1:20: Check email.
1:22: Now I'm freaking myself out that I'm shooting myself in the foot with this posting. What if my bosses know how to use the internet? Time to change my Facebook settings.
1:30: Got two grains of rice stuck in my keyboard, and finally removed them due to my diligent pressing of the "f" "g" and "v" keys, as well as extra finesse with my chopsticks.
1:54: Go Fug Yourself yet again.
2:00: Finally changed out of snow boots. My right elbow really hurts. Back to work.
2:10: Organizational background duties starting back up again. One file organized with summary sheet typed up.
2:13: Check email.
2:14: Mixing it up--going with hot chocolate this time. I'm a rebel.
2:16: No, seriously, my elbow really hurts.
2:20: Now I'm just biding my time, since our department is throwing a surprise going-away party for my boss' boss, who is leaving the firm tomorrow. We're supposed to meet in a conference room a few minutes before 3:00, turn off the lights (by the way, the conference room has glass walls, so...) and (probably, I don't really know the plan) yell surprise when she comes in. It's my first surprise party, and it's probably going to be as cheesy as it sounds. Eh, there'll be cake.
4:34: Well, that was surprisingly fun. She was even surprised. NO NEW EMAILS OR FILES.
4:47: Going to end this blog, so I can pack up and go home.
Thus ends my typical day. Yeah, University of Chicago degree!
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Happy Mardi Gras!
I almost forgot that today is Fat Tuesday. I could be addressing other important events right now, like today is also Super Tuesday, and the fate of the next four years could be decided by how the votes add up now. Emphasis on could. Eh, I'd rather talk about Mardi Gras.
I celebrated Mardi Gras once in New Orleans. It was the senior year of high school, and a friend announced in our AP English Lit class that he had an open space on a New Orleans trip for ten dollars. I was instantly interested, since I'd wanted to go to New Orleans for quite some time. I was naturally bad at taking initiative, so I didn't speak up. Naturally, I expected that the trip would be seized upon immediately by any of the partiers. It wasn't. Turns out the trip coincided with our senior prom. By the way, the prom was a Mardi Gras theme. Screw that, I'd rather go to Mardi Gras, which was actually far cheaper than the prom. I just had to be able to walk seven miles in a parade. Okay. No prob. It was awesome.
Mardi Gras was a time of firsts for me.
-First time I'd ever illegally ordered an alcoholic drink in a restaurant. (margarita at Bubba Gump's)
-First time I can recall ever giving money to a street performer (saxophone player in front of Cafe du Monde)
-First time I'd ever had beignets and cafe au lait, a truly life-changing experience (Cafe du Monde)
-First (only) time I'd ever walked in a parade (the reason we were going, to be water people/ banner holders for the dance/drum troupe from San Antonio.)
-First time I'd ever gotten affection from a drunk person (a college student grabbed me in said parade, said "I just can't take it anymore," hugged me, and kissed me on the cheek. It was actually rather sweet.)
-First time I'd ever been afraid in a crowd (Friday night--Mardi Gras is really scary)
-First time I'd ever ridden public transportation without "adults" (street car to Loyola University)
-First (AND LAST) time I'd ever been scammed out of money--that I know of, of course (Random, frightening person on the street talking about needing a toll to pass. I just gave him the money, before it turned into a mugging.)
-First time I'd ever had to lie about being in a relationship to spurn a guy's advances (A 30-yr old drummer with the troupe said I had a "tight body" and wanted to "get with me." I pretended to be "with" my friend.)
-First time I'd ever taken a trip without any real adult supervision (I didn't count the dancers and drummers as adults. They acted more immaturely than we did.)
-First (and so far, only) time I'd ever been to New Orleans (Let's fix this.)
Every year, when Mardi Gras rolls around, I think about that trip. I had a great time, and it's exactly what my senior year needed. I wouldn't have rather gone to the prom for anything. New Orleans was exciting and a little scary, but I felt connected to the city. Maybe it was the energy of the people, or the Santeria, or the soul food, or the fact that we were so close to Cajun country, because New Orleans remains at the top of my short list of cities to revisit. Until then, I'll have to make do with Heaven on Seven.
And, no, I didn't flash anyone for beads.
I celebrated Mardi Gras once in New Orleans. It was the senior year of high school, and a friend announced in our AP English Lit class that he had an open space on a New Orleans trip for ten dollars. I was instantly interested, since I'd wanted to go to New Orleans for quite some time. I was naturally bad at taking initiative, so I didn't speak up. Naturally, I expected that the trip would be seized upon immediately by any of the partiers. It wasn't. Turns out the trip coincided with our senior prom. By the way, the prom was a Mardi Gras theme. Screw that, I'd rather go to Mardi Gras, which was actually far cheaper than the prom. I just had to be able to walk seven miles in a parade. Okay. No prob. It was awesome.
Mardi Gras was a time of firsts for me.
-First time I'd ever illegally ordered an alcoholic drink in a restaurant. (margarita at Bubba Gump's)
-First time I can recall ever giving money to a street performer (saxophone player in front of Cafe du Monde)
-First time I'd ever had beignets and cafe au lait, a truly life-changing experience (Cafe du Monde)
-First (only) time I'd ever walked in a parade (the reason we were going, to be water people/ banner holders for the dance/drum troupe from San Antonio.)
-First time I'd ever gotten affection from a drunk person (a college student grabbed me in said parade, said "I just can't take it anymore," hugged me, and kissed me on the cheek. It was actually rather sweet.)
-First time I'd ever been afraid in a crowd (Friday night--Mardi Gras is really scary)
-First time I'd ever ridden public transportation without "adults" (street car to Loyola University)
-First (AND LAST) time I'd ever been scammed out of money--that I know of, of course (Random, frightening person on the street talking about needing a toll to pass. I just gave him the money, before it turned into a mugging.)
-First time I'd ever had to lie about being in a relationship to spurn a guy's advances (A 30-yr old drummer with the troupe said I had a "tight body" and wanted to "get with me." I pretended to be "with" my friend.)
-First time I'd ever taken a trip without any real adult supervision (I didn't count the dancers and drummers as adults. They acted more immaturely than we did.)
-First (and so far, only) time I'd ever been to New Orleans (Let's fix this.)
Every year, when Mardi Gras rolls around, I think about that trip. I had a great time, and it's exactly what my senior year needed. I wouldn't have rather gone to the prom for anything. New Orleans was exciting and a little scary, but I felt connected to the city. Maybe it was the energy of the people, or the Santeria, or the soul food, or the fact that we were so close to Cajun country, because New Orleans remains at the top of my short list of cities to revisit. Until then, I'll have to make do with Heaven on Seven.
And, no, I didn't flash anyone for beads.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Please don't cry; this hurts me too.
Dear Tequila,
I never thought I'd have to do this. After our wonderful times together, I naturally assumed that our companionship would be a life-long affair. Unfortunately, it was not meant to be. After last night, I need to break off a previously fruitful partnership.
Now, don't start. I know that I said I wanted to get tanked last night. It was a declared release from the monotony of my current existence. Now, I'm not sure exactly what I expected of last night. Probably that we would sit in a smoky, yet lightly crowded club where handsome men wearing jaunty hats and monocles would send us dry martinis, because they thought we were fabulous. Alas, that only happens...well that doesn't really happen. Regardless of that fact, I certainly did not expect to wake up feeling like a trash can, with the taste of Britney Spears' toilet in my mouth. As I pieced together the events of the evening, I came to the horrifying conclusion that we are as star-crossed lovers, who will only ruin each others' lives. You would have been the Heathcliff to my Catherine.
Now, I can normally handle the repercussions of a tequila night. I understand that certain events come to pass, and can accept the fact that I ended the evening hiccuping like a real-life Andy Capp. But there was one drunken event that I simply cannot forgive, and has caused deep turmoil in my other, more meaningful, relationship.
You made me sully the only true constant in my life. That's right, you made me mistakingly add maple syrup to my coffee, when we ended the evening at Clarke's. And had it not been for a diligent friend, who physically stopped me, I would have added butter as well. This atrocity has caused much consternation in my household, and a tear-filled morning of ardent apologies to my french press.
I know we've had a remarkable partnership, but I cannot let you get in the way of my civil union to java. Even in its tarnished state, the coffee still prevented me from waking up like a complete zombie. It really is always there for me; whereas you are a good-time fling, and make me smell like garbage. My marriage is too important to me, and I simply cannot live the lie any longer.
I understand that you were not the only offender, but that last craptacular margarita was really the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. While I may always love you, I don't have to like you, and I sincerely hope that both of us can now move on with our lives.
Cordially,
Cristina
I never thought I'd have to do this. After our wonderful times together, I naturally assumed that our companionship would be a life-long affair. Unfortunately, it was not meant to be. After last night, I need to break off a previously fruitful partnership.
Now, don't start. I know that I said I wanted to get tanked last night. It was a declared release from the monotony of my current existence. Now, I'm not sure exactly what I expected of last night. Probably that we would sit in a smoky, yet lightly crowded club where handsome men wearing jaunty hats and monocles would send us dry martinis, because they thought we were fabulous. Alas, that only happens...well that doesn't really happen. Regardless of that fact, I certainly did not expect to wake up feeling like a trash can, with the taste of Britney Spears' toilet in my mouth. As I pieced together the events of the evening, I came to the horrifying conclusion that we are as star-crossed lovers, who will only ruin each others' lives. You would have been the Heathcliff to my Catherine.
Now, I can normally handle the repercussions of a tequila night. I understand that certain events come to pass, and can accept the fact that I ended the evening hiccuping like a real-life Andy Capp. But there was one drunken event that I simply cannot forgive, and has caused deep turmoil in my other, more meaningful, relationship.
You made me sully the only true constant in my life. That's right, you made me mistakingly add maple syrup to my coffee, when we ended the evening at Clarke's. And had it not been for a diligent friend, who physically stopped me, I would have added butter as well. This atrocity has caused much consternation in my household, and a tear-filled morning of ardent apologies to my french press.
I know we've had a remarkable partnership, but I cannot let you get in the way of my civil union to java. Even in its tarnished state, the coffee still prevented me from waking up like a complete zombie. It really is always there for me; whereas you are a good-time fling, and make me smell like garbage. My marriage is too important to me, and I simply cannot live the lie any longer.
I understand that you were not the only offender, but that last craptacular margarita was really the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. While I may always love you, I don't have to like you, and I sincerely hope that both of us can now move on with our lives.
Cordially,
Cristina
Saturday, February 2, 2008
I'm Ridiculous
Today was a shopping day. On some weekends, I actually get off my couch, turn off the TV and go downtown. Today was one of those days.
First, I decided that I needed new jeans. I've been working out more, so my current jeans are getting really baggy. I decided that what I really needed was a pair of Levi's. Now, I've never actually owned Levi's jeans, but I felt that it was a necessity that I should own a pair. After purchasing the jeans (which I will inevitably need to get taken up) I realized why I wanted Levi's. Remember the last episode of Project Runway, where the challenge was to create an iconic look from Levi's 501 jeans; yeah, that's right. Now, I know that I'm easily influenced by the television already. For example, after watching Top Chef, I always want to start cooking immediately; after watching The Biggest Loser, I always go work out. But this is different. This is product placement, and I thought that I was immune to its nefarious effects. Apparently not. I really do like the way the jeans look on me, and Levi's is a great brand. But still. I feel a little dirty and used. Damn you Project Runway! Oh well, at least I have nice, new jeans. TV-1; Cristina-0.
Then I went to get some coffee from Fox & Obel. God, that store is so ridiculous. I kind of love it. They spoil me with their fancy coffees and designer chocolates. I also picked up some bacon, because I've wanted a bacon & egg scramble for weeks. I also noticed more Spanish snack foods, which I normally order from http://www.tienda.com/. Oh, Fox & Obel, my love for you grows every time I cross your pretentious threshold.
So then I wanted booze. Naturally. I crossed the street and went to UnCork It! I've actually wanted to try Icewine for a while, so I wanted to pick some up. And lo and behold! When I entered the store, a woman was handing out free Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum samples. I clearly made the right choice. After embarrassingly proving that I am, in fact, over 21, she gave me a rum & coke. It was actually very good, and may influence my rum purchases in the future. But where was the Icewine? Ah, found it by the Sherry. But I don't know what to do, and now I'm starting to get tipsy, walking around the store with a rum & coke. I found a young store employee and asked him about Icewine, as I tried desperately not to slur. I noted that he was cute and appeared to be somewhat flustered. Since I had a rum and coke, I went into club mode and got more smiley. He stammered. Yay wiles! I always get very excited when cute workers notice me. But the moral of this story is: I now know the story of Icewine, a new brand of rum, and that liquor stores should ALWAYS have free samples.
Remember when I was going to start saving money in anticipation of paying back my loans? I wonder what happened to that. Oh yeah, me. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get more liquor. THE END.
First, I decided that I needed new jeans. I've been working out more, so my current jeans are getting really baggy. I decided that what I really needed was a pair of Levi's. Now, I've never actually owned Levi's jeans, but I felt that it was a necessity that I should own a pair. After purchasing the jeans (which I will inevitably need to get taken up) I realized why I wanted Levi's. Remember the last episode of Project Runway, where the challenge was to create an iconic look from Levi's 501 jeans; yeah, that's right. Now, I know that I'm easily influenced by the television already. For example, after watching Top Chef, I always want to start cooking immediately; after watching The Biggest Loser, I always go work out. But this is different. This is product placement, and I thought that I was immune to its nefarious effects. Apparently not. I really do like the way the jeans look on me, and Levi's is a great brand. But still. I feel a little dirty and used. Damn you Project Runway! Oh well, at least I have nice, new jeans. TV-1; Cristina-0.
Then I went to get some coffee from Fox & Obel. God, that store is so ridiculous. I kind of love it. They spoil me with their fancy coffees and designer chocolates. I also picked up some bacon, because I've wanted a bacon & egg scramble for weeks. I also noticed more Spanish snack foods, which I normally order from http://www.tienda.com/. Oh, Fox & Obel, my love for you grows every time I cross your pretentious threshold.
So then I wanted booze. Naturally. I crossed the street and went to UnCork It! I've actually wanted to try Icewine for a while, so I wanted to pick some up. And lo and behold! When I entered the store, a woman was handing out free Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum samples. I clearly made the right choice. After embarrassingly proving that I am, in fact, over 21, she gave me a rum & coke. It was actually very good, and may influence my rum purchases in the future. But where was the Icewine? Ah, found it by the Sherry. But I don't know what to do, and now I'm starting to get tipsy, walking around the store with a rum & coke. I found a young store employee and asked him about Icewine, as I tried desperately not to slur. I noted that he was cute and appeared to be somewhat flustered. Since I had a rum and coke, I went into club mode and got more smiley. He stammered. Yay wiles! I always get very excited when cute workers notice me. But the moral of this story is: I now know the story of Icewine, a new brand of rum, and that liquor stores should ALWAYS have free samples.
Remember when I was going to start saving money in anticipation of paying back my loans? I wonder what happened to that. Oh yeah, me. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get more liquor. THE END.
Friday, February 1, 2008
I just lost a Hershey Kiss in the blackhole of my desk
I've literally done nothing at work today except drag and drop one file into the database I rule over, and procure a box of manila folders from the supply room. Oh yeah, I'm really earning that extra money I got today from a PTO cashout. I also scrawled absentmindedly on my palm "Pay Rent." At least I'm remembering to do something.
The LOST premiere was yesterday night, and that show is losing me. I was totally surfing the internet while I watched an episode, and that would never have happened with any of the ones from season 1. But still, I just need to know what'll happen. It's only a mild addiction, though, and I won't get the DTs if I miss an episode.
In other news, I think I'm applying for a new job. Or rather a "gig" that won't require me to quit this job, because I don't think anybody here needs me to do that just now. But it's something that caught my eye when I was lurking craigslist yesterday, and won't require me to leave my computer's side. It hurts too much when we're apart from one another. But yeah, this gig would be something that I am immensely interested in doing and would probably provide me with more personal satisfaction than being the bitch at this job. I don't even know if it pays. I don't think I care.
Let's do something crazy this weekend. Methinks I need a release of some sort that just doesn't come from watching another rerun of Bravo's Make Me a Supermodel.
The LOST premiere was yesterday night, and that show is losing me. I was totally surfing the internet while I watched an episode, and that would never have happened with any of the ones from season 1. But still, I just need to know what'll happen. It's only a mild addiction, though, and I won't get the DTs if I miss an episode.
In other news, I think I'm applying for a new job. Or rather a "gig" that won't require me to quit this job, because I don't think anybody here needs me to do that just now. But it's something that caught my eye when I was lurking craigslist yesterday, and won't require me to leave my computer's side. It hurts too much when we're apart from one another. But yeah, this gig would be something that I am immensely interested in doing and would probably provide me with more personal satisfaction than being the bitch at this job. I don't even know if it pays. I don't think I care.
Let's do something crazy this weekend. Methinks I need a release of some sort that just doesn't come from watching another rerun of Bravo's Make Me a Supermodel.
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