Since it's the weekend, I'm normally out and about buying all sorts of frivolous things. I thought this would provide some sort of insight into my whole process when I'm buying things. And now I present a dialogue:
Cristina's brain: I need new clothes and other things. Let's go shopping!
Mastercard: Well we're already downtown, since you broke your damn glasses and needed to get them fixed.
Cristina's brain: Yeah, but I wanted to go shopping anyway. Also, shut up.
Mastercard: Okay, where do you want to go?
Cristina's brain: Crate and Barrel. I need a cocktail shaker, now that I have vodka.
Mastercard: Yeah, okay, lush.
Cristina's brain: Hey, I didn't break up with tequila, so that I could take your crap right now. I just want a refreshing cocktail, without having to mix it up in a mug!
Mastercard: Yeah, I agree. Plus, you need to start fitting in with the yuppie crowd.
Cristina's brain: Yep. I wonder what I'm having for dinner tonight...
After Crate and Barrel
Cristina's brain: This cocktail shaker is so cute! It's a mini!
Mastercard: Whatever, can we go home now?
Cristina's brain: I want to stop by Water Tower Place first to ogle the jackets.
Mastercard: Girl, you're messed up.
At Macy's
Cristina's brain: Oh! I need gloves! My bare hands can't handle the cold right now.
Mastercard: This is the wrong place for that shit. Back. Away. Slowly. We're in leather goods!
Macy's Card: mmghmgh ghgam
Cristina's brain: What was that Macy's card? Let me take you out of my wallet.
Macy's card: Leather gloves! Omigod they're so amazing!
Cristina's brain: They're kind of expensive, don't you think?
Mastercard: I agree.
Macy's card: Oh, but look! They're 33% off, and I can totally get you an extra 15% off! Look at them! You'll look so fierce wearing them!
Cristina's brain: Well, I have always wanted leather gloves.
Mastercard: THINK, GIRL! They'll still be too damn expensive, and you KNOW you're going to lose one of them on the bus. Plus, the only ones, which actually fit your little elf hands, are brown! You don't even like brown! You're probably going to look like a middle-aged woman!
Cristina's brain: But they feel so nice...
Macy's card: You are so fierce right now! And they're lined in cashmere. Cashmere is SO FIERCE!
Cristina's brain: Brown goes with things right? I can figure it out. I mean I have personal taste! I have style.
Mastercard:...
Macy's card:...
Cristina's brain: I kinda want to buy them.
Macy's card: Rock it, girl!
Mastercard: Yeesh, fine, you win this round Macy's.
Macy's card: Whatev, you're just jealous, cuz I get to buy her all the fun things that she TOTALLY loves, like that leather jacket. Yeah, that's right, I'm amazing and kind of a big deal.
Mastercard: Aw, isn't that precious. I bought her that incredible LCD HDTV. So you can suck it, kid.
Macy's card: Whatev, you're old.
Mastercard: At least I talked her out of going grocery shopping at Fox & Obel today.
Cristina's brain: Oh, that reminds me. We need to go to Treasure Island later.
Mastercard: Just be practical, please. And at least attempt to be healthy.
Cristina's brain: Aren't I always?
Mastercard:...
Macy's card:...
At Treasure Island
Cristina's brain: Hey, I want to get this! I've always wanted to try to make one of these.
Mastercard: A cornish game hen? Really?
Cristina's brain: What?
Mastercard: Oh, nothing. Just keep shopping, fool.
Cristina's brain: Ooh, hey. I want this!
Mastercard: Ready-made chocolate chip cookie dough?!? First, how lazy are you? Second, you better be going to the gym tonight!
Macy's card: I agree. You need to still fit into those Levi's, otherwise you SO won't be fierce, and I won't be able to get you any more hot clothes.
Cristina's brain: I will! And plus, I've got that appointment with a personal trainer tomorrow. It's fine!
Cristina's thighs: We're concerned!
Mastercard: Whatever. As long as you don't take me to McDonald's again. You know I can't be seen there.
Cristina's brain: I was hungry, and the line was the shortest there! I'm sorry! It hurt me too! Hey, peanut butter!
FIN
I honestly could go on and on with this stuff. I hope this shows several things. One, my mind is a dangerous thing when left to its own devices. Two, I seem to be in a dysfunctional, abusive relationship with my Mastercard.
Mastercard: Shut up, nobody asked you! I'll demagnetize my ass and then you'll really be in trouble!
And uh, three, my Macy's card seems to sound just like Christian Siriano.
Macy's Card: Fierce!
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