Hello, vast government conspiracies, my old friends. It's been a while. I know I haven't been paying attention to you in recent years, and you've been relegated to passing thoughts, while I am watching old episodes of The X-Files. But our past is a deep and sordid one, and I feel I must acknowledge that now. Gone are the days when your crazier proponents would get on national TV and scream about government coverups with plots of complicated intrigue. When The X-Files was actually on the air and people went crazy over such intelligent Fox Television programming such as Alien Autopsy and Conspiracy Theory: Did We Land on the Moon?, that was your moment to really shine and recruit new crazies. I salute the efforts of your glory days.
(IMPORTANT NOTE: This blogger, herself, does not personally believe in any sort of incredibly fascinating, vast governmental conspiracy. She is not advocating the belief of said intrigue. This post is 100% entertainment value. This blog post should not personally reflect on the character of the author, and should not reflect on her thoughts regarding our federal government. This blogger would now like to take this opportunity to salute the fine efforts of the brave governmental workers, who toil long hours for little pay to bring evildoers to justice and protect our national security, while having to deal with the more, uh, paranoid members of our society. Got that?)
Having said that, let's talk a little about government conspiracy. I randomly came across this article today: The 70 Greatest Conspiracies of All Time Sampler. I'm really not a big fan of the JFK conspiracy or even UFO cover ups, to be perfectly honest. Those theorists try too hard to connect information, which by itself is plausible, into some great web of government lies. They're just really die-hard fact checkers, who try so very, very hard to make all their theories line up, by looking at vast quantities of data. That grows tiresome for me. I much prefer the total wackadoos.
That's why the only article, which sparked enough interest for me to actually read it was the last one: "The Internet: Tool of Satan." Now THAT'S my kind of crazy. Did you know that The Illuminati were behind the internet? I know, right. That's pretty impressive, Unproven Ancient Secret Society Bent on Global Domination. Good for you. The reasons why They started this crazy fad called the internet run the gamut from spying on us, to drugging us, and, most impressively, to HAILING SATAN. I didn't realize I did that every time I checked my email. The things you learn every day. Gosh.
Seriously, where do they come up with these things? I'm really curious. Do you need a PhD to spout some of this crazy? How do they "research" this? I really want to know. If not, I'm totally going to dedicate as much effort as I can reasonably muster to creating new, much more interesting conspiracies.
Like, for example, did you know that for the past (oh let's say) 50 years, an unidentified paramilitary organization has been systematically feeding the global commercial turnip crops with a powerful mind-controlling chemical, and whenever you eat a turnip, or even the turnip leaves(!), you will unconsciously (and probably in your sleep, just for good measure) send sensitive personal information, like your SSN or ATM PIN to a predetermined internet address, that they planted in your mind with the turnip juice! I am very serious. In fact, this may have spread to other root vegetables, which may be farmed in close proximity to the infected turnips. Sure, why not. I would probably be able to publish this in some sort of magazine, worthy of the likes of The Lone Gunmen. In fact, I'd probably get at least one person who believes me. My ultimate goal, of course, would be mass hysteria. In time.
Now, you may think to yourself, you crafty reader you, that this sounds very similar to my arch-nemesis, Scientology. To that I say, NO, and am now quite insulted by your inferences. My goal is not to earn money or convince incredibly stupid celebrities to jump on couches. I just want to come up with one little ridiculous and wacky theory, that someone, somewhere, with little coersion on my part, will unequivocably agree with. Is that too much to ask for? I'm not creating Xenu here, people. Even I have my limits.
So please, spread the turnip word.
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