God, They're Just Muppets! Get Over It!

Okay, at the risk of sounding like Joan Rivers: uptight people of the world, can we talk?

Now, what I want to talk about today has been gradually building for many years now. It started innocuously enough, but at this point it's ridiculous. I am, of course, referring to the revamping of children's television to be more politically correct. The worst offender is Sesame Street.

The first change was Snuffleupagus' change from Big Bird's imaginary friend, to a regular cast member, whom everyone can see. Because, kids, if you have an imaginary friend, you are crazy. Imagination is only for crazy people. Today's show was brought to you by the letter S for Seroquel.

But that was relatively mild. Later changes were much more egregious. Like, for instance, The Cookie Monster does not eat cookies anymore. Because they are too unhealthy. Cookies are a "sometimes food." Let me make this perfectly clear: SESAME STREET DID NOT MAKE KIDS FAT AND NEITHER DID THE COOKIE MONSTER. This is where parenting comes into play. The whole point of the Cookie Monster is that he can't control himself. He needs COOKIES. All the time. That's the gag. Children are almost supposed to say "Oh C. Mon, you need to chill out about those cookies." I THINK THAT KIDS GET IT! Also, I just found out that they discontinued his narration of Monsterpiece Theater, one of my favorite Sesame Street sketches in the world, because Alistair Cookie (below)

was a bad role model for kids, due to the fact that he smoked a pipe. What?

Now, the biggest and most well known one. Bert and Ernie. This is even more ridiculous than the whole Tinky Winky scandal from nearly ten years ago. You know, maybe it is time to have gay muppets. They can have a special coming out episode, which would really make Jerry Falwell turn in his grave. I think it's a great idea.

Now, why can't Sesame Street be more like McDonalds. (I can't believe I just said that.)

Because this guy:

should be no less controversial than two guys bunking together. HE PROMOTES KLEPTOMANIA. SERIOUSLY GUYS, WHICH IS WORSE?

And, as opposed to the Cookie Monster fakeout, McDonald's is actually the cause of many children's obesity issues. I guess that's why they can afford to have more interesting, quirky characters. Remember Mayor McCheese?

(Wow, that picture's creepy. I just put it up here to share the creepiness. Be thankful I didn't upload Ronald. How did I never have nightmares as a child?)

I guess the point I'm trying to make is please don't gut my childhood. I'm not saying that Sesame Street should turn into McDonalds, only that they shouldn't try so hard to please everyone. What's most insulting is the implication that my generation got totally screwed up over the non-pc aspects of Sesame Street. I really don't think we're that bad; well, not because of Sesame Street, at least.

Just like I have fond memories of playing in the McDonald's Playland with such lovable (or, you know, creepy) characters like Grimace, I want to keep my memories of the Cookie Monster devouring a whole plate of cookies before my disbelieving eyes, and not having to think about if Bert and Ernie are currently having a lover's quarrel.

God, America, I'm through with you.