I'm Tired People, IGNORE MY DRAMA

Hi everyone. This is me trying to do a regular update. LOOK AT ME GO! Um, honestly, what this entry was going to be a passionate and immediate defense for the character of one Mr. Samuel T. Anders, since I do adore him so. (and not just because he is so very pretty--I actually have many real reasons for it) But, eh. I find I don't have the willpower. That's right ladies and gentlemen, I don't really want to talk about Battlestar Galactica right now. Or really any TV shows. WHAT?! Now, people, I'm still me. And if you get me started talking about TV and let me spin up my wheels, I'll probably get enough steam going to fully annoy you. But I really don't want to initiate the conversation.

I think I realized this earlier today, when I was thinking about writing a blog entry about BSG and Sam Anders vs. Lee Adama, and found that I was getting a nasty headache. That's right, a Syfy headache. It's really weird. I don't really want to spend time thinking about these issues anymore. Like, I'm bored by it now. Which is very strange for me. I think...could it be possible....

AM I GROWING UP?! Like, I'm bored by doing all the same old things at work, and that includes reading about my favorite TV shows. Bored. Which means work has become even more unbearable than it already was. I don't know. I think I'm just done. And with no other prospects on the immediate horizon, that thought fills me with a sense of dread. Impending doom, if the doom wasn't actually impending, but more, er, drawn out. You get the idea.

Like, I'm afraid to start planning my future because it's been on hold for so long, but if I don't, I know that my soul will actually start seeping out of my body to try to find a better place to hang out. Yikes. I should really force myself to study for the LSATs, since I am TOTALLY going to do those now. I've kind of been faking the studying so far, and that's no good. I think this boredom is probably my mind's way of trying to wake me up. If it takes away all my fun distractions, I'll have to work!

My head hurts. My eyes hurt. My stomach feels weird, and I don't want to go to the gym now; however, I am forcing myself to do the last one. I come home to an apartment I hate that I really don't care about maintaining anymore, since I never invite anybody over. I'm kind of a mess. And, and I think I realize that now. Stasis is only, heh, sustainable for so long. And although I keep finding TV shows and other hobbies to obsess about, I don't really have anything else to do. And wow, that needs to change. OKAY, LSATs. I can do this. I can force myself to get back into studying. It didn't used to be this hard.

And yeah, I know I've said this before. I'm very very very good at making GRAND AND IMPORTANT DECLARATIONS OF TRUTH and just figuring that getting it off my chest is actually, um, doing something. But y'all, this time it's TOTALLY different. I'm actually bored by doing anything else, which has never happened before.

Wow, I didn't mean for this to be a downer entry. Blame the fact that the most serious issues I've thought about recently involve BSG. It finally broke me. I'll defend Sam some other time, when I'm more forward thinking and also not EXHAUSTED FROM WAKING UP AT 3 AM AND NOT BEING ABLE TO GO BACK TO BED. That probably played a part in this little melodrama.

Um, okay, upbeat things. I can do that. Have some happy thoughts:

1. I may get auburn highlights when I get my hair cut soon. So get excited about that!

2. Hey, remember The L Word? I found this randomly when I was looking up something on The Dollhouse, and thought it was really funny in an awkward, kind of unfunny way. Don't ask. Nobody knows what I mean anymore:

Lesbian video from AfterEllen.com

3. I AM GOING TO KILL MY SHOULDERS AGAIN TODAY. I am absurdly excited about this.

4. Wheeeeeeeeee. G'night.

Gender Fail in Life

WHOA NEW POST! Hey, remember my pretentious rants, guys? Here comes another one, right atcha! Haha, "atcha," who do you think you are, Self? I think this may be a monster post, so beware. (As in really big, not with actual monsters. Only I would have to clarify that.)

Anyway, I've been doing lots of thinking lately about gender issues in the media. Random, right? Not really, actually. I've recently noticed a pattern in the fictional things that piss me off, and found that mostly they come down to gender issues. Now, my friends (anyone else automatically think of McCain saying that?), I'm about to confess something to you. A deep, dark secret from my past: when I was a kid, I totally wanted to be a boy. I really didn't like being a girl at all. Okay, go ahead and laugh. Get it all out of your systems. But I'm being completely serious. And I think I've figured out why that is, and how it is continuing to influence me.

I've always paid attention to the media, even when I was a small child. In Disney films and other media aimed at small children, the women were always the princesses--gentle waifs, who had very little personality (or a personality that may appear tough, but was ultimately weaker than that of the hero's--or worse, needed to be tamed), and existed simply to be rescued and be a test for the growth of the young man into The Hero. I have always had problems with this. ALWAYS. It drove my mother up the wall, since she always wanted me to be more feminine, but I really wanted to be The Hero. And since that was never the woman in the movies, my ten year old self decided that she wanted to be a man. That's right. I even got to the point where I liked men more than women on TV and in the movies. In fact, when I played Ninja Turtles with some guy friends, when I was like 6, I hated how they made me be April O'Neill, so they could rescue me. HATED IT. I mean, that's really messed up that as a girl, I hated my own gender because of how weak TV told me that I was. Stupid girls. *kicks can*

This changed at some point, since now I completely love being a woman (regardless of my dress code or personal upkeep of course). And I know why it changed. Buffy Summers. I really think she was the first girl I ever saw on TV, where I thought "I wanna be her." (Okay, possibly Agent Scully was the first, but point being, it was around the time I was 11.) This is why I am still in love with Buffy the Vampire Slayer and will defend it to anyone who looks down his nose at it. It's still possibly one of the greatest empowering TV shows for young women ever. She's The Hero. Nobody else even comes close, except maybe Spike towards the end, and that's when the show started to lose focus and get a little wonky. The point was about giving women the power, and I think more young girls need to get that message. It worked wonders on me and even got me to stop hating on my gender. Even better, women on that show got to be FRIENDS and not merely exist to be bitchy to each other and compete for the same men. Which is another issue I have with many shows these days. You never see them forming lasting friendships in comparison to the guy love that is all over the TV.

I've also realized that this issue is a huge part of my seething rage towards Twilight. It's a gazillion steps backwards from this Woman Saves Self attitude that Joss brought to Buffy. And what's worse to consider, how would it have affected me if I read it as a young girl? I mean, now I can read it and be all "psshaw, stupid girl falling for a dumb sparkly vampire. this is poorly written!" But what would I have thought then? That the only way I can be happy is by falling in love with some attractive jerkass? That I should defer my entire life to him? I don't care what anyone says, I don't think I would have liked this book if I read it during my pre-teen years. It would have probably caused me to still hate being a girl. And that is why I get such a negative visceral reaction to that damn series. Not just the idiocy of a sparkling vampire.

Okay, I know what you must be thinking: you're just not very romantic or into mushy stuff at all, are you? You hate romance, therefore you hate the idea of a woman being weak and always deferring to a man. Well, sorry good reader, but that's not true at all. In fact, I adore good romance. In every TV show I watch, I'm normally invested in at least one romantic couple. Probably overinvested actually. I still think Jim and Pam are an adorable couple. And if Sun and Jin don't get to be a happy family by the end of Lost, I'll be extremely upset. Buffy and Angel caused me much heart-wrenching agony when I was a teenager. They just could never be, but they loved each other so much! Woe! (despite my irrational hatred of star-crossed romances, this one always got to me) And I was invested in one particular couple on BSG (more on that later), to the point where my stomach was in knots during the finale. KNOTS! So yeah, guys, I do like romance. I still watch things like Love, Actually if I just need a pick me up. But I have an issue with the unequal roles men and women tend to play in many people's interpretations of romantic stories. I don't think a man trying to change or fix a woman is particularly romantic, personally.

I drifted a bit there. Sorry. But I also think this is the reason that I like so much Sci-Fi (Syfy?!) and Fantasy these days. That is the playground for strong, realistic women. Ellen Ripley was probably the first in modern, popular science fiction. Since then we have had Sarah Connor, Dana Scully, Kira Nerys, Buffy Summers, Eowyn (shut up, I still think she's awesome), Zoe Washburne, Cordelia Chase (before everything fell apart), Kara Thrace (STARBUCK!), and so on and so on. I don't count Leia, because she often had to be rescued by the men-folk (once in a gold bikini!), even though she is awesome in her own right.

In fact, I've gotten to the point where I judge Science Fiction TV shows almost solely on what kinds of strong women they give me. I adore The Sarah Connor Chronicles, and am still crossing my fingers for some miracle regarding renewal. And I fully admit that, like, 85% of my obsession for BSG is due to the wonder that is Starbuck. I also have recently come to terms with my total girl-crush on Katee Sackhoff (plays Starbuck) because she is so consistently awesome and straightforward in just about every interview I've seen.

Now, BSG actually does have quite a bit of gender fail (and race fail as well), for being such a "feminist" TV show. I think Ron Moore has some subconscious issues with women (Even Ron's view of Starbuck is somewhat problematic, and he apparently adores her.), and especially towards the end, many of the previously kickass women just lost all their ground. They either became bland counterparts to their men, turned evil, or, um, died. With some exceptions and reversals, so I don't think that's a spoiler. Also, gods forbid that any of them be friends with each other! Part of the reason I adore Starbuck is that the men in her life are counterparts to her. To touch upon the romantic pairing I was invested in, I'm actually much more in favor of Sam/Kara rather than Lee/Kara (the fan-preferred couple) for oh so many reasons. I'd go into them now, but some of you are still working through my DVDs, and I don't want to be all spoilers in your face. Plus, that's a huge rant, which is also a rant against the fandom in general, since most people wanted Lee and Kara to get together partly so he could fix her. That may give you an idea why I hate that pairing. I wish I were making that up. But that's a posting for another time.

I really wanted to link another random person's blog, where she discusses these issues far more eloquently than I have, but alas, it has BSG spoilers. So that'll have to wait for now.

How does this relate to me now, other than my overanalyzing my favorite TV shows? Well, think about what I want to be when I, heh, grow up. FBI Agent. And as a woman, I can totally accept that I could be one. Thank you, Agent Scully. Thank you, Buffy. It's funny, actually. I was emailing this guy I kind of dated last year, where I made a joke about really wanting to be the grizzled PI, in like, film noir. He responded "yeah, I can totally imagine you as the Girl Friday type." I made sure to make it very clear to him that I didn't want to be any Girl Friday to someone else's PI. I wanted to be the PI. Me! I think maybe that was the beginning of the end for anything between us, alas. But seriously! I want to be the one in control, making the melodramatic monologues under a slowly turning fan. I'm sure there are some deep, psychological reasons for this, but whatever. It's all true and I don't think it's a bad thing.

The worst part about this is, I know some people will be grossed out by what I am saying here. Not liking problematic gender issues gets equated to being a militant feminist for some. I bit my tongue a lot during college, and totally regret that now. And since when is feminist a bad word? Wanting men and women to be treated with equal respect is something good, right? I mean, I'm glad that I no longer want to be a boy, and I have a female-empowering TV show to thank for it. So, thanks Joss. Even if I think that Dollhouse has serious issues when it comes to gender (albeit intentional, I'm sure), you may just be able to salvage it. I really want to see Echo save herself. That is, if it's renewed. (PS-How Creepy is Paul Ballard? Agent Helo is kind of freaking me out)

/Pretentious rant

Hiatus

I just remembered that I had a blog at one point. Things got kind of bad, and I didn't really feel like updating for a long time.

Er, hello again internet world. Does anyone still check this? If I were to start updating again, would anyone read? I'll try to not have it just be about, like, the themes of BSG or something. However, I am thinking about starting this back up again. I guess leave a comment if you still check it out, and I'll decide from there.

This is Just Hilarious

INT. DLA PIPER OFFICES--MORNING

Hi everyone. I haven't really been feeling "bloggy" recently, so the entries have kind of dropped off. I have, however, been doing, um, okay, with my New Year's Resolutions so far. No fabulously well, but okay. Which is fine. They should pick up after my birthday, which was my real jumping off point. The one I never told anyone about. So here are some things that I've been doing: I am eating very well, and am now in a committed relationship with Peapod Delivery Service. I think the only things that I'll actually get from the store is better produce, since I absolutely hate that I can't choose my own. I've been cooking more, which has helped my health immensely, not to mention my wallet. I've kind of been going to the gym. I went last night, for example. The week that Chicago was in the 9th Circle of Hell was a bit of a down week for me. I'm trying to get back into the swing of things. But over all, it's been okay.

Okay, so I'm starting to get back into the swing of writing that story thingamabob. I wrote 35 pages and freaked out, basically because I felt like my style didn't sound good on the page. And that concerned me enough to take a little breather. That lasted weeks. BUT NOW, I am back. Judging by the title, I bet some of y'all can tell what I'm turning my story into. Hint: it rhymes with "mystery flipped."

For me, it just makes more sense. I like writing dialogue, as evidenced by my longwinded conversations with my credit cards and cats and my brain and various viscera. These convos aren't really the best examples of good dialogue, but I do try to make them fun to read. I actually try to get the comedic timing right, even if they're kind of strange bits of dialogue. I also tend to write how I think/speak, which contributes to my love for dialogue.

So, I'm writing a spec tv pilot based off of my idea. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing, and I'm having a fabulous time. I've been rereading Jane Espenson's blog for her writing tips. [she was a writer on Buffy, and came up with some of the funniest, quirkiest episodes like "Band Candy" and "A New Man"] I'm just kind of making it up as I go, but so far, I like this format much better. And the beginning of my story actually really lends itself to this different medium. Maybe I'll get a book just so I know whether or not I'm doing technical things correctly or not. I'm already almost done with the outline (Starting Act IV) , and am getting ready for the real writing. So, uh, yay?

Let's face it: this is the medium for me. Look back on my blog entries, and you'll see one constant, I love to pick apart TV. Love it. I'm often more involved with fictional characters' lives than some real people's that I know. Sad, yet tells you something about me. THIS DAMN STORY WILL GET WRITTEN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

So far, so good.

Another Opinion about Vampires

Okay, I'm going to lay off the vampires soon, I swear. I have opinions for things other than blood-sucking creatures of the night. Really. But, for the record, I have one last thing to say right now. I have recently been enjoying the HBO series True Blood, which is from the creator of Six Feet Under, Alan Ball, and features vampires living amongst us, after they "come out of the coffin." Awesome.

Basically, the show stars Anna Paquin, Rogue from the X-Men series, as a young waitress in a small, rural swamp town in the Deep South. Her name is Sookie. Just bear with me, please; it's good--she even got a Golden Globe for her performance! Aaanyway, Sookie is actually telepathic, and constantly hears thoughts of all the creepy locals when she's doing her waitress thing, which makes her a little unstable. The locals all think she's crazy. Then a vampire walks in. They can now expose themselves to the public, because of a new synthetic blood drink (Tru Blood), created so they don't have to kill people. Sookie can't hear this vampire's thoughts, and is smitten soon thereafter. And her life, of course, gets increasingly complex. Plus people start mysteriously dying.

Now, I've been wanting to see this show for quite some time. I'll probably read the original books too. But I am very glad I saw this after reading Twilight. It's funny, actually. Many of the themes of the TV series are crazy similar to the Twilight series. I will admit that both Sookie and Bill (the main vampire) have some Mary Sue traits. The idea of telepathy that doesn't work with a love interest (although the "readers" are reversed in the two series) thereby increasing interest, a vampire and human falling in love against both of their kinds' rules, a "shapeshifter" ::coughwerewolfcough:: being the third party in a bizarrely fantastical love triangle, and so on and so on. But why do I love True Blood, and can't handle Twilight?

Sookie is, at times, a damsel in distress. Bill does try to protect her for her own good. Her blood is implied to be "special" just like Bella Swan's is. (could have something to do with her telepathy) But this doesn't make me angry, like Twilight does. Why?

Maybe it's because it plays with trope and convention, and almost uses vampirism as a metaphor for another social group experiencing prejudice trying to belong. In fact, one of the posters declaiming vampirism simply states "God Hates Fangs." Sound familiar? The reason that it's different, though, is because VAMPIRES ARE ACTUALLY SOMEWHAT DANGEROUS. And we very clearly see that vampires can be an actual threat. I mean, I know objectively that the vampires in Twilight are supposed to be a threat, because everyone says they are. I don't want to be told! I want to see how bad vampires can be. THEN let the main character make her life choice. And not have a spiffy vampire family all willing to die to protect her. Bill may be a tragic character in the vampire world, but can she hack standing up to real vampires who see her as just a "blood sack?" She actually does a pretty good job. By herself. Sookie Stackhouse is actually not a total Mary Sue, unlike Bella Swan.

I think, more than that, the reason I like this show much better is the depth and darkness of the world shown. All the characters are real people going through real things. The writing is far superior, and very bad things happen to all of these characters. Let me repeat, VERY BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO ALL OF THESE CHARACTERS. There are no easy outs, and every person does good and bad things with actual consequences. Plus it's more, um, adult in theme. Since it's an HBO show, there has to be sex. I mean, it's like part of a showrunner's contract at HBO. But, in this context, it makes total sense. Vampires, like all other monsters which come from the id, are supposed to deal with these sorts of themes. Twilight tried to sidestep it, and pay brief lip service to the fact that vampirism (okay at least in modern interpretation) is basically a metaphor for sexuality let loose. (think about how vampires kill people, and tell me that doesn't represent sex) It didn't work, because Stephanie Meyer also wanted to showcase Mormon ideals, which, to me at least, are completely incompatible with what vampires really are. Plus, why are they high school students again?

In True Blood, vampires and sex and danger and blood are all rolled into one. It's very intense and scary and at times self-destructive. A whole subculture of "fangbangers" exists, who are looked down upon by both humans and vampires. The world just seems much more, well, complete. And I like that. I like seeing a real world integrated with vampires where everyone acts real. And different. Some vampires are good when people are bad, and some vampires are bad when people are good. And sometimes you can't tell. But every character is interesting, even when you can't stand them. That's what Alan Ball is good at.

So, yeah, I'm trying to see the differences. Maybe it's the fact that the vampires are scarier (also scarier, when vampires in the True Blood universe get staked. nightmare fuel unleaded), the characters are more flawed, or the setting is more real. Maybe it's the fact that the story exists outside of just being a vehicle for star-crossed lovers. I don't know. I just respond better to this TV show. Maybe I just don't like teen girl fiction anymore? That might actually be the main reason. Hrmm.

In the meantime, check out the opening title sequence for True Blood. I've had the song stuck in my head for, like, four days. It really sets the tone of the series extremely well.

Rabbit

Isn't that what these people are supposed to say at the beginning of the year? Did I make that up?

Anyway, Happy New Year to all. I hope everyone's night was eventful or at least comfortable.

Since yesterday's blog was about the trends of 2008, today I'm going to do the more traditional New Years Resolutions. And share them with you all, my loyal followers. Um, friends. I meant friends. After a review of what 2008 was all about, I realized it was about me having fun in the now. I basically just used my resources from my job and had fun with them. Got life companions in the felines. Spent way too much on nice food and DVDs and video games. I kept my life on ice, and got that fun tingly feeling from the freezing. Maybe I went a little too far with that metaphor.

Since that was the theme for '08, I've since decided that 2009 will be all about going out of my comfort zone. Instead of leisure, it will be about productivity. Instead of excess, it will be about refining myself. The projects that were begun in 2008 will be finished in 2009. And without further ado, I now present....

The Mighty List

1. To get it out of the way, the obligatory "lost weight and get in shape." Unlike regular resolutions, such as "run every single day" or "diet until I AM SKINNY," I will not phrase this in such a way that I completely ruin it the second I don't fulfill a ridiculous objective. However, I will take advantage of the gym better than in '08. Since Joel is no longer employed by the FFC, I have no excuse to wait for his sessions. I am my own Joel now. I can do it, especially since I've done it before. I just need to remind myself that I actually do like running. And I am already paving the way towards eating better. Today I put part of my bonus to good use and Peapoded it for the VERY FIRST TIME. So much nicer than hauling everything from the store. And I bought a larger quantity of healthier foods, since the normal supermarket temptation wasn't there. I'm very excited to make more split pea soup. And Tortilla Espanola from my new Tapas cookbook! Yay!

2. I will finish what I've started. I WILL FINISH WHAT I'VE STARTED. In many ways, this is the most important of my resolutions. Be it the ISIS puzzle sitting on my coffee table, the book sitting on my computer, or the life plan sitting in my head--I WILL FINISH IN 2009. This is probably one of my worst habits. The whole getting really excited about an idea and never really going through with it. Well, in this year of discomfort, I WILL. Look out, insanely hard puzzle. I will end you.

3. Be more social. I mean, I already got started with this in 2008, but I'm still clinging onto my socially awkward/antisocial ways. I've decided to start hosting more in my wee little apartment. I mean, I've got a great TV and DVD collection, so why don't I have more people over? Also, I've decided to take more chances in going out with people. I will be more spontaneous and try to go out more with new friends. I will smile more at people and strike up more conversations with strangers. I will say things that I'll instantly feel embarrassed about and regret, since those things are often the ones worth saying. I want more butterflies in my stomach.

4. Cook more and more adventurous foods! If I choose to keep up with this Peapod thing, I will definitely be more healthy/cheaper in my food options. I think I'll buy more pans and stuff this weekend. Every week a new recipe! I think that's an easy enough one to keep. Maybe I'll try to make Black Eyed Peas this weekend! For luck! (It's a Southern thing)

5. Lastly, keep in better touch with people. Call old acquaintances more regularly. Go back to Texas more frequently. I really need to be a better friend and a better person where that stuff is concerned. If I've slighted anyone (who reads this, that is), I sincerely apologize. And the excuse that I went to U of C starts to get old, now years after the fact.

6. Jump out of a plane. I'm not even kidding.

I've actually given some thought to doing a much more comprehensive 101 in 1001 list, so if I do that, I'll certainly post it here. Shit's gonna happen, yo.