A Running Stream of Consciousness

Yesterday (ETA: Two days ago. I didn't get this up in time, as I lost interest yesterday. Today will be another running day, so we'll see how that goes) I ran for the first time in weeks. Aren't y'all proud of me? I had gotten to the point where I'd be fine doing weight-lifting with minimal cardio, but had gotten into some kind of mental block when it came to running. This seriously needed to end, since I was bulking up on muscle, but not cutting fat. Not the most flattering set of circumstances. So I drank half of a Venom Energy Drink that I had in the fridge, hoping beyond hope that it would energize me enough to quit stalling. It, uh, worked?

And now a minute-by-minute breakdown of the run, on Wednesday June 22, at FFC on Halsted, circa 9:15 PM.

Min 1.--Tank top! Woo! Now I know that I'm serious about running. Gotta go stretch. Stretch stretch stretch.

Min 3.--Stretch stretch stretch. Wow those thigh exercises really worked yesterday. The groin stretch hurts. Heh, groin.

Min 5.--Stretch stretch stretch. Okay, maybe now you're stalling. The treadmill can wait all night for you, ya know.

Min 6.--Okay! Treadmill. Ooh, first I have to find Bravo, 'cause Top Chef: Masters is on. It's a tradition to run to the sweet sights of gourmet food and overly dramatic chefs. I need to be in my comfort zone. Speeds 1.0 & 1.5.

Min 7.--Speeds 2.0 & 2.5. We're walking, we're walking. Come on, I'm ready to go! Symphony this weekend. I wonder what I'm going to wear.

Min 8.--Speeds 3.0 & 3.5. I should buy a skirt or something. What? You mean not pants? I know, what's up with that? What is this boy doing to you? Maybe you should wear an aporn and bake a pie. Hey, let's not get ahead of ourselves now. I'm far from domestic, coaster obsession aside. But seriously, coasters are necessary on wooden tables like ours. Rings look horrible in the wood. JUST USE A COASTER.

Min 9.--Speeds 4.0 & 4.5. Woo, speeding up. This is more like it. A light jog for my little legs. Ooh, I'd like a mandarin orange right now. Thanks Top Chef. Who are these people? And that is just not Padma. I'm not sure how much I care about these "Masters." They're too respectful of everyone, and the critics just aren't as mean. Where's the fun in that?

Min 10.--Speed 5.0. Aaaand we're running. Hurrah! Ow. No, seriously, OW. I, uh, think I need a new sportsbra. Dang. This really hurts. Will I look like a complete dork if I just hold my chest for a little while? Until the less bouncy speeds. I mean, I'm running next to girls. They'll understand.

Min 11.--Speed 5.5. Aww, yeah. Here we go. Ow, still hurts, though. What was the name of that thigh exercise I did yesterday? What muscle group is that? Not the Quads. That other muscle. Well, whatever, those muscles are still kinda sore.

Min 12.--Speed 5.5. Doo doo doo. Jogging along, singing this song. Doooooo. Whoa, plating drama on the show! How exciting could this get?!

Min 13.-- Speed 5.5. Wow, I'm out of shape, aren't I? I'm already starting to get slightly winded. That's not normal. I still have over 15 minutes left of actual running. And it's only going to get much worse. Just watch the TV. Let TV solve all of your problems.

Min 14.--Speed 5.5. This episode is really boring. They're too nice to each other. The food looks good. Look at the food. Not!Padma isn't very interesting. But, hey, Gail Simmons. She's a good standard for the Top Chef viewing experience.

Min 15.--Speed 5.5. Woo-I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it. I'm about to lose control and I think I like it! I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it. And I know, I know, I know, I know. I know I want you, want you!

Min 16.--Speed 6.0. Here we go. This is the stuff. I missed you, 6.0. The two of us have spent so many hours together. In perfect harmony. It's almost like coming home. Ow, okay. I'm moving, I'm moving.

Min 17.--Speed 6.0. Wow, this really isn't so bad. Yeah, I'll be fine for the rest of the run. Awesome! For the first time, I feel really good. AAADRENAAALIIIINE! WOOOHOOOO!

Min 18. --Speed 6.0. Dude. Hey, dude. I think you should go for 6.5 when you hit 20 minutes. I know that you said to yourself that today was a mild run to get back into this, but I don't think it'll be a problem. You're doing fine. You can totally do 5 minutes at 6.5. Awesome, let's do it.

Min 19.--Speed 6.0. Oh man, oh man, oh man. I'm starting to get tired again. I don't know about this, self. I don't know if I can go up to 6.5 yet. I'm scared, dude. This is going to suck. I know it's going to suck. I don't wanna. I don't wanna. OH STOP IT. You already told yourself that you were going to do this. You'll hate yourself if you back out. YOU CAN DO IT! Suck it up and run! It's only going to be for 5 minutes.

Min 20.--Speed 6.0. Okay. Okay. I can do this. It'll be okay. Just watch the TV and hope that boring commercials don't come on to stretch out the minutes. You are so hardcore. You can do it. This is nothing. Remember how you used to regularly run for 10 minutes on 6.5? And those times that you went up to 15 minutes? Hey, hey remember when you did 5 minutes on 7.0. That was pretty awesome. You didn't even vomit afterwards. I was so proud of you. Okay, brace yourself. Cause here...we...go.

Min 21. (The Point of No Return)--Speed 6.5. Omigodomigodomigod. I'm going to die. This is it. Why did I think I could do this? It is too soon to be this fast. My legs are going to fall off. I know it. I'm going to end up legless like that mother in Home, the uber-creepy, banned episode of The X-Files, where her sons keep her on a rolling platform under the bed so they can, uh....Oh god, I'm creeping myself out here. Keepgoingkeepgoing.

Min 22.--Speed 6.5. I'mgoingtodieI'mgoingtodieI'mgoingtodie. How do I still have 3.5 minutes left? That's wrong. I've been running at this speed for at least 2 minutes. I know I have. STOP LYING TO ME, MACHINE. I just know you're going to start going backwards and make me run for like 10 minutes on the horrible speed. AAAAH.

Min 23.--Speed 6.5. You know, you can stop at any time and nobody would know. Just push that little button right there and all of this pain will go away. You don't have to answer to anyone but yourself. It's okay. Just push that button and stop punishing yourself. You deserve it. GAH. NO. I WILL NOT LET YOU TRICK ME. Two more minutes. You can do two more minutes. JUST SUCK IT UP AND RUN.

Min 24.--Speed 6.5. Was that you? Did you just make a little whimpering noise? I don't think that girl next to you heard. She's engrossed in some reality TV show where people are encouraged to take their clothes off and scream at each other. OH GOD THIS HURTS. IwanttodieIwanttodieIwanttodie. #*&%#&%#?!?!?! A COMMERCIAL?! I NEED YOU, TOP CHEF! I NEED YOUR DISTRACTION, NOT THE DAMN FREECREDITREPORT.COM SINGERS.

Min 25.--Speed 6.5. Onemoreminuteonemoreminuteonemoreminute. I CAN DO IT. I CAN DO IT! Okay, okay. Focus on your breathing. DON'T LOOK AT THE CLOCK. Breathe in. Breathe out. Your legs are okay. Your lungs are okay. You're okay. You won't die. 29, 28, 27, 26. Okay, look at the TV again. Distract yourself. SOON. SOOOOON! 12, 11, 10, omigod, 8, 7, 6, aaah, 4, 3, 2, 1...ARROW DOWN ARROW DOWN ARROW DOWN.

Min 26.--Speed 6.0. This is so much harder than it was earlier. Well that's a no-brainer, stupid. You exhausted yourself with stupid 6.5, after you haven't been running at all. Now you're going to have to push yourself harder next time or you won't feel like you're doing this right. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

Min 27.--Speed 6.0. OHHH...Lollipop, lollipop, oh lolli-lolli. Lollipop. (POP!) Ba dum dum...

Min 28.--Speed 6.0. I'm exhausted now. I should just give up. NO! Don't give up! You're so close! What would Starbuck say to your giving up? She doesn't give up. She dragged her ass around a no-atmo red moon with a broken knee and then rigged a crashed Raider to fly. And you want to stop running on a little treadmill....Dude, Starbuck isn't REAL. Well she's real to me, so just shut your hole.

Min 29.--Speed 6.0. Gotta remember to get 4.5 on Tuesday. So soon! For, uh, Mike & Laura to watch. Of course. You shouldn't have watched that fan vid today. You don't even like fan videos, but now you're all BSGing. What's the deal? Well that fan vid was really really good, actually. Not like most of them. This one had surprisingly awesome editing & appropriate clips, perfect musical selection, and was a really nice take on the relationship. It almost made me cry. Shut up, I have lots of feelings okay? My mouth is dry. I really want some water. Do you think that girl would get me some water if I asked? She seems nice...

Min 30.--Speed 6.0. I've been meaning to talk to you about something, now that you've reminded me. Now, don't take this the wrong way, but you need to hear it. Dude, I think you may be a shipper. AND THAT'S OKAY. I mean, only a shipper would get excited about seeing a nice fan video about a fictional relationship on a TV show that's been over for months. Just own it. You don't have a livejournal. You don't post on the message boards. You're not very scary. But come on. Dude.

Min 31.--Speed 5.5. Oh wow, that's better. Ouch, back to the older issue, though. Let's just hold them there. But dude, I am not a shipper. How could you even say that? No, no, it's okay. You take an intellectual approach to shipping and aren't in it only for the "squee." You tend to like the pairings more the more you think about them. THAT'S OKAY. You're just kind of a shipper. At least you don't write fanfic. That crosses all kinds of lines. But you are kind of into that aspect of fandom. Not only that aspect, but it's a significant part of your viewing experience. At least with some shows, like BSG. I mean, you go on rants. Like right now in your head.

Min 32.--Speed 5.0. But, but Those Shippers are crazy. I mean, that's the totally nutso part of the fandom. Certainly the K/L side of it, I know. And I'm sure people see the (clearly much saner & superior) K/S contingent in a similar way. I just don't want to think of myself in those terms. I don't think you are. But you do like it. If you liked them because of the pretty, well, that would be different. But you're all about the themes of the show and epicness! Man, I'm excited to rewatch 4.5 in its baffling contrariness. So soon! So say we all!

Min 33.--Speeds 4.5 & 4.0. OH, THANK YOU, I CAN WALK AGAIN. My legs are kinda shaky now. And--WHOA--did, did that treadmill just move?! DID THE GROUND JUST MOVE?! No? I guess I'm just really dizzy then. That's not a good sign.

Min 34.--Speeds...wait, what? Did you just "accidentally" knock the reset button on the treadmill. You dumb...sigh. Just go stretch. It's over. No use salvaging it, although I would have liked to see how much we ran. But that's fine. FINE. It's over. Hobble over there and start mentally preparing, because you're doing this again in a couple of days.

Min 37.--Locker Room-- oh ow owowowww...I still don't think I'm a shipper....

Fin