I Swear, This is What They Do

Given my propensity for attracting random visitors to my blog, I feel the need to say no intervention is necessary. Cristina's not going to kill herself. Or continue to speak in the third person ever again. Yikes. I was doing a satire of what many young people (coughemokidscough) use blogs for. (Although saying it probably guts the joke.) It was lots of fun to write. I'm glad the nameless haiku of my unfathomable inner torment was appreciated. And now, on to more fun things!

My cats are characters, aren't they? They should have their own reality show based on their apartment adventures when I'm not around. In fact, this is what it would be like:

Exit Food Slave.

Gus: Hey, she's gone. Where do you think she goes? I don't think she gave me enough attention earlier. Why does she always pay so much more attention to you, anyway?
Nubs: Buh? I don't think she...OH SHINY MOUSE SHINY MOUSE SHINY MOUSE! I WILL GET YOU. Hey, where'd you go?
Gus: You're not so special. Just because you can't get on the bed like I can, doesn't mean she should pay more attention to you. I keep having to remind her that I'm here. She doesn't get up until 7:30 anyway, so why shouldn't she spend time scratching my ears? I've seen your ploy to get her attention, Little Miss I-Only-Have-Half-of-a-Back-Leg-so-I-Can't-Scratch-My-Own-Ear. It's all about you, isn't it? And your stupid gimpy name.
Nubs: Hey, I didn't name myself. The humans thought it would be funny. Hey, wait, where'd you go? You went into my blind spot. What have I told you about that? And, I really can't scratch my own ear! You're just too codependent. Don't project your personal issues onto me.
Gus: That's it. I'm going to go eat your food.
Nubs: NOOO! Gah! Death from below!
Gus: Grr, nooo! I will bite your tail off. I swear, I will bite it off.
Nubs: Just you try! Headlock! Headlock! I have you now! Come on, say it. Say it!
Gus: No, I won't. I won't. Aah, okay, can't breathe. Spine twisting. Okay fine, MERCY. MERCY. There, are you happy?
Nubs: Haha! I win!
Gus: You're a freak with that deathgrip. Why are you so strong?
Nubs: I'm not strong--you're just a wuss.
Gus: Shut up. Your stupid fur got all mussed up. C'mere. Lemme fix it.
Nubs: Thanks! Oh, that feels good, man. You're not coming on to me are you?
Gus: Nope. Haven't felt anything like that since we went to the vet that one time. We're just good buds.
Nubs: We have a complicated relationship, don't we?
Gus: No less so than those other cats at the first food slave's place. Hey, if we work together we can get those awesome food thingies she keeps on top of that box, which she uses to warm up her poison water. In the food room. Let's do it before she gets back.
Nubs: Okay! How do we---THERE YOU ARE! You thought you could hide from me, Shiny Mouse. But now I have you cornered. I'm going to do a waltz of victory with you around the nap stand in the middle of the room! YOU ARE MINE!
Gus: Forget it. I'm going to go take a nap in my new cave under her sleeping place. Wake me if you find out how to get from the water spout to the cold box. That's the biggest hurdle.
Nubs: Hahahahahahaha! SHINY MOUSE SHINY MOUSE SHINY MOUSE!

I could go on for hours, so I should stop now. Maybe I should try to market this to one of the networks. Bravo would only buy it if Gus were gay, but I bet Animal Planet would be interested. Hmm...imagine the possibilities!