Random Rankings: Round 1 Sudden Death Match (Hee hee)

In the Spirit of March Madness (I don't really know why I capitalized "spirit" just then, maybe as in "Spirit of Christmas Past." Just go with it.), I have decided to start ranking things every now and then, mostly as a go-to blog when I've got writer's block or am being too boring. That sounds very vague doesn't it? Well, that's the point! I am vague! These rankings will be between anything! ANYTHING! Imagine the possibilities! Mostly I will focus on matchups between different products/concepts/technologies/creatures, etc. that are often grouped together in people's minds. You'll get the drift. I'll just give my own two cents, and apply my limited life-view to determine what I think is the "better" of the two. (NOTE: This is likely to cause debate even with the most trivial of pairs, and oh yes, I will be very trivial. Oftentimes I will be tongue-in-cheek or morbidly biased, but I will honestly try to be as objective as possible. Or not. ) This will be in the same vein as the Great Latke-Hamantash Debate, but hopefully even more trivial! Let the games begin!

For this inaugural post, let me start with an easy pairing. Well, easy for me:

VAMPIRE VS. WEREWOLF


If you know me, then you should know where I stand on this. But let's all pretend I'm capable of objectivity. Let's start with the origins of both of these creatures, whose myths can be traced back hundreds of years, and appear in many different cultures.

Similar myths have existed since the early Mesopotamians, but the traditional Anne Rice-esque vampire has only been known since the early 1800s, in Southeastern Europe with countless slight variations. Historical figures associated with vampirism have been Vlad Tepes (Vlad the Impaler--influence for Dracula), Gilles de Rais, and Countess Elizabeth Bathory. The werewolf has been around just as long, but in its current form it can be recognized even in Ancient Greek myth. In one tale, Lycaon, a brash king, was transformed into a wolf as a penalty for eating human flesh, and the tale spread from there. The tales of the Úlfhéðnar, or Berserkers, in Norse mythology are very similar to that of traditional werewolves, in that they wore only the pelts of wolves and bears into battle and would almost be transformed into animals, and were the most formidable warriors because of it. Now, let's see where these origin myths have ended up.

Vampires today bring forth images of savage, yet charismatic undead nobility, who need to satisfy their hunger for human blood, while still living with the trappings of royalty. Werewolves are thought to be poor, unlucky everymen, who get bitten by werewolves, and are doomed to transform every full moon into wild, uncontrollable creatures. To compare: vampires are considered the epitome of excess, as most historical figures associated with vampirism are royalty, whose insatiable bloodlust or longing for eternal life/youth/beauty caused them to commit unspeakable crimes; many myths agree that to become a vampire, a person has to will it--to drink the blood of a vampire. Werewolves are everymen transformed into beasts through no fault of their own, the epitome of the id unleashed. Werewolves inspire much more pity and pathos, because they are just having a really bad day. They didn't ask to get turned into werewolves, and now some stupid monster hunter is coming after them with silver bullets in his sniper rifle. That sucks, eternally-damned wolf-creatures--sorry! And, because I refuse to feel sorry for my monsters (sack up Wolfman!), the point goes to vampires. Vampires:1 Werewolves:0.

To be even shallower, let's turn to Buffy (see above examples). Now, Buffy specifically hunted vampires. The show was Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But because I watched this when I was a teenage girl, I looked at the show through the lens of "which guy would I like to date?" Angel or Oz is the representative example of this epic debate. Yes, Angel is hot. Yes, he is dark and brooding and wonderful. Yes, he is over 200 years old and has a really cool tattoo. But, I'd still totally date Oz. I mean, he's played by Seth Green! I'd even lock him in his cage for those 3 days of the month and hang out, while he's being a creepy wolf-man. This point goes to werewolves. Vampires:1 Werewolves: 1.

It's getting difficult now. We're tied up. I could go through countless examples of how these two creatures differ and how modern media paints them. I could compare google entries, and medical disorders attributed to both creatures. I could think about religion's impact on the genesis of these monsters, and get all philosophical. I could list all the actors who have played vampires and werewolves. However, considering this is a post regarding evil creatures, who hunt humans, I'll consider the tie-breaker in this fashion: which would I rather die to. Now, I don't particularly want to die to either, but if given a choice I would think about it in the following way:

-Death 1: (the first time I wrote this, it ended up sounding like an, uh, Anne Rice novel [read: kinda soft-core pornish], so I'm being much more abstract now) Random pale, handsome and well-dressed stranger, who I could meet anywhere entrances me and leads me away from the pack. We would probably end up somewhere comfortable, where I would drink entirely too much wine. I die in his arms, while I fade away in an uncomfortable but not excruciating manner, as he drinks from my jugular. At least he was hot.
-Death 2: During a full moon, I go camping in the woods with my closest friends. One by one we get picked off by a wild animal. We find the bodies mangled and half-eaten, with their last looks of horror still etched on their faces. My last vision will be seeing a huge man-beast lumbering towards me, with foul blood and flesh smeared on its face. I will die in incredible pain, after it rips an arm off and starts eating it in front of me.

Gosh, which would I choose? I think the winner is obvious. Vampires are more humane, people! Seriously! If you had to die, I hope you'd make the right choice, and go for a nice, slow bloodletting. And if you're really nice, and so inclined, you could get turned and hunt in the night with a really hot new friend.

VAMPIRE FOR THE WIN! CONGRATULATIONS UNDEAD NETHER-THING!

I mean, come on, it should be obvious guys...

I Shall Call It RadishGate 2008

Hello, vast government conspiracies, my old friends. It's been a while. I know I haven't been paying attention to you in recent years, and you've been relegated to passing thoughts, while I am watching old episodes of The X-Files. But our past is a deep and sordid one, and I feel I must acknowledge that now. Gone are the days when your crazier proponents would get on national TV and scream about government coverups with plots of complicated intrigue. When The X-Files was actually on the air and people went crazy over such intelligent Fox Television programming such as Alien Autopsy and Conspiracy Theory: Did We Land on the Moon?, that was your moment to really shine and recruit new crazies. I salute the efforts of your glory days.

(IMPORTANT NOTE: This blogger, herself, does not personally believe in any sort of incredibly fascinating, vast governmental conspiracy. She is not advocating the belief of said intrigue. This post is 100% entertainment value. This blog post should not personally reflect on the character of the author, and should not reflect on her thoughts regarding our federal government. This blogger would now like to take this opportunity to salute the fine efforts of the brave governmental workers, who toil long hours for little pay to bring evildoers to justice and protect our national security, while having to deal with the more, uh, paranoid members of our society. Got that?)

Having said that, let's talk a little about government conspiracy. I randomly came across this article today: The 70 Greatest Conspiracies of All Time Sampler. I'm really not a big fan of the JFK conspiracy or even UFO cover ups, to be perfectly honest. Those theorists try too hard to connect information, which by itself is plausible, into some great web of government lies. They're just really die-hard fact checkers, who try so very, very hard to make all their theories line up, by looking at vast quantities of data. That grows tiresome for me. I much prefer the total wackadoos.

That's why the only article, which sparked enough interest for me to actually read it was the last one: "The Internet: Tool of Satan." Now THAT'S my kind of crazy. Did you know that The Illuminati were behind the internet? I know, right. That's pretty impressive, Unproven Ancient Secret Society Bent on Global Domination. Good for you. The reasons why They started this crazy fad called the internet run the gamut from spying on us, to drugging us, and, most impressively, to HAILING SATAN. I didn't realize I did that every time I checked my email. The things you learn every day. Gosh.

Seriously, where do they come up with these things? I'm really curious. Do you need a PhD to spout some of this crazy? How do they "research" this? I really want to know. If not, I'm totally going to dedicate as much effort as I can reasonably muster to creating new, much more interesting conspiracies.

Like, for example, did you know that for the past (oh let's say) 50 years, an unidentified paramilitary organization has been systematically feeding the global commercial turnip crops with a powerful mind-controlling chemical, and whenever you eat a turnip, or even the turnip leaves(!), you will unconsciously (and probably in your sleep, just for good measure) send sensitive personal information, like your SSN or ATM PIN to a predetermined internet address, that they planted in your mind with the turnip juice! I am very serious. In fact, this may have spread to other root vegetables, which may be farmed in close proximity to the infected turnips. Sure, why not. I would probably be able to publish this in some sort of magazine, worthy of the likes of The Lone Gunmen. In fact, I'd probably get at least one person who believes me. My ultimate goal, of course, would be mass hysteria. In time.

Now, you may think to yourself, you crafty reader you, that this sounds very similar to my arch-nemesis, Scientology. To that I say, NO, and am now quite insulted by your inferences. My goal is not to earn money or convince incredibly stupid celebrities to jump on couches. I just want to come up with one little ridiculous and wacky theory, that someone, somewhere, with little coersion on my part, will unequivocably agree with. Is that too much to ask for? I'm not creating Xenu here, people. Even I have my limits.

So please, spread the turnip word.

Random Blog of Insanity!

First off, how cool is this?



RANDOM THINGS!

1. In the latest training session, after being told to do some sadistic rowing exercises, which involved me gripping a very rough rope and pulling on weights which threatened very seriously to fling me forwards:
Wimpy me: But my hands are so soft and delicate!
Sadistic Joel: Mwahahahaha! Not anymore!
Also, I think he's going to have me do actual pullups soon. Way too soon for my liking. He's very excited about this. I'm slightly concerned that I will dislocate both of my shoulders. At the same time. Then fall on my head. And put my eye out on the corner of the stool. And then for no other reason than its not wanting to miss out on the fun, my left knee will dislocate as well. You just wait; it'll happen.


2. My coffee has now officially been likened to a hard drug. Is anyone surprised?

3. THEOFFICETHEOFFICETHEOFFICETHEOFFICETHEOFFICE! SOON! Stay tuned! I'm very excited about this, because it means that I can further wean myself off of reality TV now that quality television programs are coming back on the air. And, my TV will not always be on Bravo. Fantastic.

4. What's a better name for a Bond villain--Ivan Dragovich or Simon Cunningham III? On the one hand, Ivan Dragovich sounds scarier. And Russian. Like a scary Russian. But, Simon Cunningham III sounds much more like a person with good breeding, and probably lots of money. I actually think it's creepier for a serious villain to have a wimpy, yuppie sounding name, because he has to prove otherwise. I think I'm leaning towards Simon. Hmm. Discuss.

5. I think I've officially realized that I'm obsessed with crime. That sounds horrible, doesn't it? I've always liked movies and TV shows that unrealistically glamorize crime, and even those that REALLY don't. I like TV shows and movies that involve solving of crimes, e.g. Law & Order. I realize that it's not weird to be interested in crime, but some of my favorite shows involve criminals. It's interesting and horrifying, how people can live like that. I mean, not enough for me to actually give it a try myself. I'd be a terrible criminal, especially with the serious moral code and sense of justice that I've got. But I'm begrudgingly impressed with con artists and the like. Is there ever any doubt that some of my favorite flashback episodes of Lost are Sawyer's? Or my love of The Riches, only partially because Eddie Izzard is one of the leads? I also (used to) read creepy books about serial killers, almost to try to understand how people can end up that twisted. I honestly think I could face that kind of evil, with the appropriate training and resources. My mind is a creepy place, people. I've never said otherwise. I guess I can handle seeing the dark side of humanity when it comes to the TV. Now, in a dark alley tonight. Not so much. I hope this sheds some light as to why I'M SO PARANOID! I should never have read all those books by top FBI profiler John E. Douglas! But my desire to be exposed to this world (on the other side) is the primary reason why I still haven't given up on my dreams of the FBI. Damn, I still want to be Agent Scully, no matter how ridiculous it is!

6. Should I make flan tonight? And will that interfere with gym time? Decisions decisions.

Thanks for listening! I'll try to think up a better post soon.

HAPPY NEARLY THE END OF MONDAY TO YOU ALL!

I'm Issuing an Orange Alert. It Would Behoove Governments of the World to Follow Suit.

Okay, I want to talk about something very serious today. I am gravely concerned for the safety and well-being of planet Earth. Do other people not realize that we are in very serious danger? Our lives are hanging by a mere thread. The Sword of Damocles is perched precariously over our heads. I am speaking to the IMMINENT global threat known as

SCARY GIANT MONSTER-TYPE CREATURES FROM THE OCEAN

The creature from Cloverfield is a recent fictional representation of this very real danger. I don't think that we, as humans, can ignore it any longer. And you can bet I have examples!

This is a sound (known as the "Bloop") recorded by the US National Ocean and Atmospheric Administration during the summer of 1997, off of the southwest coast of South America. Scientists have studied this phenomenon and cannot determine the source of the noise. The pattern of sound matches the audio profile of a living creature, albeit a living creature unknown to current science. This creature would have to be much much larger than even a Blue Whale, the largest known animal in existence; also, much larger than the dinosaurs were. The blue whale can grow up to 110 feet in length and weigh 200 tons. There are other instances of unexplained noises from the deep: The Slow Down is another prominent one. Curiously, this sound also seems to originate from the west coast of South America. Coincidence, I think not.[edit: apparently, this sound has been heard in many other parts of the southern hemisphere; many scientists believe that it has man-made origins such as secret governmental advanced weapons testing. But that's a conspiracy for another time.]

Now, many HP Lovecraft fans have taken these sounds and run with them, crying "Cthulu! Cthulu!" This is ridiculous. Lovecraft inadvertently played so many of these people for saps, by creating these dark tales about the enormous, evilish, tentacled, alien entity. For those of you unfamiliar with Cthulu, let me give you the cheap man's Wikipedia version of it. Cthulu, according to Lovecraftian mythos, is a leader of "The Great Old Ones," ancient creatures, who lived before mankind ever existed. Cthulu is said to be waiting and dreaming in a great city at the very bottom of the ocean, and when he wakes, he will rule over the world once more. The place where Cthulu supposedly lies dormant is also off of the Southwestern coast of South America. But the reason for all the similarity is simply that this is a large patch of deep ocean, with not much land nearby. (FYI I've never actually read any Lovecraft--this is all based on research I've been doing today. Despite my incredible love of vampires, I was never that kid.)

Although Cthulu itself is ridiculous, enormous creatures from the deep ARE possible, and in fact, proven.



See, Giant Squid. Mini Kraken. Large specimens have washed up on shores all around the world, and some whales have been discovered with enormous sucker marks, scars from what one can imagine to be epic battles between these natural enemies! The Giant Squid is a common occurrence of the phenomenon "deep sea gigantism," which is what it sounds like. Some creatures just get very very large, the deeper into the abyss they live (it is common in Antarctic waters). Some theories about deep-sea gigantism are the creatures need to adapt to fewer sources of food or adaptation to greater pressure.

If we have discovered such enormous creatures, which either washed up on shore, or were caught, what haven't we found? There are numerous sightings of bizarre creatures, which have never been seen before. It would be folly to think that we can find every organism that is on Earth. In fact, we should stop looking. It is possible for humans to peacefully coexist with these Leviathans, but let's all be honest with ourselves here, when have humans ever peacefully coexisted with anything. The more we deep-sea fish and trawl, the greater chance that we disturb something, which shouldn't be disturbed. What if it decides to fight back? You may argue that such a creature cannot survive closer to the surface, and certainly cannot become land-born. Perhaps you are correct. But I think, nay, tis best not to aggravate Mother Nature. She'll find a way of messing you up.

Why is everyone so obsessed with looking at the sky as the dangerous, alien frontier? We should be much more concerned at what's going on within the waters! Mulder was looking the wrong way!

But brave citizens of Earth, do not despair! Panic is not recommended in this situation. I do suggest a very immediate cessation of deep-sea trawling in unexplored locations. That coast of South America should be avoided at all costs. Bear in mind IT MAY BE TOO LATE. For further protection, I recommend discontinuance of long-term oceanic travel. Sailors and fishermen should be on high alert. I strongly urge all cruise-takers to remain on land for your vacations. It's not worth it!

Most important of all, stay strong humanity! United, we may face unspeakable aquatic dangers together. YOU ARE THE FUTURE, BIPEDS! GOOD LUCK!

The BA Meetings Would Involve Watching Tons of Discovery Channel and Discussing Literature.

Since it's a busy day at work, I'm being extra super-productive, which means that I get to update my blog. Don't question it; it makes sense to me. Meanwhile, I think my coworker has been watching videos on Youtube for a few hours. We're actually kind of busy these days, ma'am. Anyway, here's a me update since the weekend.

Thoughts:

1. I really like the fact that these two people are good friends in real life. Observe: Adventures with Angela.
2. Saint Patrick's Day is overrated. I can't believe people get excited over green beer. It was fun getting a pitcher of it for the kitsch value, but it's not something I would seriously crave. Seriously, it's just Miller Lite with food coloring in it. Also, if anyone even thinks about pinching me today, for not wearing green, I will go all sexual harassment on them. Even if he/she/it pinches me on the bicep. Not that I actually think anyone will pinch me. Do people actually still do that? I have vague memories of being pinched as a child.
3. I think the only part of Top Model that I like is the theme song. I watched a few episodes of a marathon yesterday, and couldn't really find many other redeeming values. I especially like the intro when Tyra asks me if I "wanna be on top?" Oh, stop it, you pervs. It just works well with the music. Other than that, eh. I don't really like the fact that the way the show is laid out, it's more of a showcase for Tyra, who manages to upstage all the girls whenever possible. Also, the judging is a little ridiculous. I guess I'm just used to Heidi's collected, German calm, as opposed to Tyra's crazy lady, Mama Tyra shtick. Also, I don't like how she's trying to become a new Oprah. There can be only one Oprah, lady. Having said that, I will admit that Top Model is a much better show than Bravo's Make Me a Supermodel, which used to be a little fun, but now just makes me really want-to-throw-anything-within-reach-at-the-TV-angry (yet, because of the Bravo Curse I have to watch these episodes at least once).
4. This is the Make Me a Supermodel rant. I hate the fact that America gets to choose who to make into a "supermodel." That's so idiotic. Plus, the Bravo audience is a little uneven, don't ya think? That explains why, at one point, there were five guys over two girls. I mean, come on. Some of the girls voted off were much more talented than the guys they were against. And now, this week, I can't help but think that another extremely talented girl (this is her first time on the bottom) will get voted off, because she's opposite a fan favorite, Ronnie-the openly gay one, who has been see-sawing between incredible and lackluster. But I pretty much think that the last girl, Holly, is unstoppable, and she could win the whole thing. Also, Ben should've been home weeks ago--even the judges were surprised. And the amount of misogyny that the guys display towards the girls is sickening. I suddenly remember why I hate most guys that age. They are ALL TURNING INTO SUCH ENORMOUS JERKS. Do they not understand that people should not act that way in front of cameras, or you know, in life? My former liking of Perry has completely gone away. Narcissistic jerk. And I wanted to kill that one guy at a party, who criticized the girls' personalities when they worked the room, by saying "I don't want to admire you; I wanna, you know, sleep with you." For people who think that real misogyny doesn't still exist, I present this as Exhibit A. God. Okay, rant over--I think I'm raising my blood pressure too much for a Monday.
5. Now, a happy thought. Sweet potato pancakes are good. I approve.

I didn't really mean for this to turn into a TV model rant. I guess it's been a long time coming. And I promise to cut back on my talking about Bravo TV shows; I'm even starting to annoy myself, so I can't even imagine what it's like for ya'll. As of this moment, I will try to wean myself off of Bravo. This could prove to be difficult. I may get the shakes. But, the first step towards recovery is admitting you have a problem, so here goes:

"Umm, my name is Cristina, and I'm a Bravo-holic."

And now I will leave ya'll with something wonderful and non-Bravo related. And, yes, that was Elmo.

God, They're Just Muppets! Get Over It!

Okay, at the risk of sounding like Joan Rivers: uptight people of the world, can we talk?

Now, what I want to talk about today has been gradually building for many years now. It started innocuously enough, but at this point it's ridiculous. I am, of course, referring to the revamping of children's television to be more politically correct. The worst offender is Sesame Street.

The first change was Snuffleupagus' change from Big Bird's imaginary friend, to a regular cast member, whom everyone can see. Because, kids, if you have an imaginary friend, you are crazy. Imagination is only for crazy people. Today's show was brought to you by the letter S for Seroquel.

But that was relatively mild. Later changes were much more egregious. Like, for instance, The Cookie Monster does not eat cookies anymore. Because they are too unhealthy. Cookies are a "sometimes food." Let me make this perfectly clear: SESAME STREET DID NOT MAKE KIDS FAT AND NEITHER DID THE COOKIE MONSTER. This is where parenting comes into play. The whole point of the Cookie Monster is that he can't control himself. He needs COOKIES. All the time. That's the gag. Children are almost supposed to say "Oh C. Mon, you need to chill out about those cookies." I THINK THAT KIDS GET IT! Also, I just found out that they discontinued his narration of Monsterpiece Theater, one of my favorite Sesame Street sketches in the world, because Alistair Cookie (below)

was a bad role model for kids, due to the fact that he smoked a pipe. What?

Now, the biggest and most well known one. Bert and Ernie. This is even more ridiculous than the whole Tinky Winky scandal from nearly ten years ago. You know, maybe it is time to have gay muppets. They can have a special coming out episode, which would really make Jerry Falwell turn in his grave. I think it's a great idea.

Now, why can't Sesame Street be more like McDonalds. (I can't believe I just said that.)

Because this guy:

should be no less controversial than two guys bunking together. HE PROMOTES KLEPTOMANIA. SERIOUSLY GUYS, WHICH IS WORSE?

And, as opposed to the Cookie Monster fakeout, McDonald's is actually the cause of many children's obesity issues. I guess that's why they can afford to have more interesting, quirky characters. Remember Mayor McCheese?

(Wow, that picture's creepy. I just put it up here to share the creepiness. Be thankful I didn't upload Ronald. How did I never have nightmares as a child?)

I guess the point I'm trying to make is please don't gut my childhood. I'm not saying that Sesame Street should turn into McDonalds, only that they shouldn't try so hard to please everyone. What's most insulting is the implication that my generation got totally screwed up over the non-pc aspects of Sesame Street. I really don't think we're that bad; well, not because of Sesame Street, at least.

Just like I have fond memories of playing in the McDonald's Playland with such lovable (or, you know, creepy) characters like Grimace, I want to keep my memories of the Cookie Monster devouring a whole plate of cookies before my disbelieving eyes, and not having to think about if Bert and Ernie are currently having a lover's quarrel.

God, America, I'm through with you.

Bravo is Visual Crack

Seriously, I can't stop watching Bravo. I've watched some episodes of this last season of Project Runway, like, ten times. Now, I'm relaxing with a glass of Ice Wine, watching the first episode of Top Chef: Chicago. Yay Chicago! I knew when they met in a Chicago pizzaria, the Quickfire would be making Chicago-style pizza. I'm really looking forward to their highlighting what an awesome food city Chicago is. Perhaps I'll get some good ideas regarding restaurants, for future food trips.

A few thoughts as I watch the episode:

-Lesbian couple? That's a power culinary couple, if both of them can make it onto Top Chef.
-That sweet tea reduction. Awesome. Just awesome.
-Once again, they have really swanky living quarters.
-God, I missed the Top Chef music! And the knife block! Cooking seems so hardcore!
-Head-to-head cooking challenge and mayonnaise drama!
-Now, I feel so accomplished, because I've made a successful souffle that didn't fall, and all these chefs are freaking out about it. I guess that they have to make them from memory, and in under 90 minutes.
-I read an interview where they said the grocery store was the Whole Foods on Halsted. I've totally shopped there. Omigod, I'm almost a celebrity.
-I think I like Andrew already. He seems like he'll be the CJ of this season.
-In the commercial break: Diane von Furstenburg is kinda fabulous, isn't she?
-All-star judging panel! Oh, Anthony Bourdain, I missed you. But not enough to watch your show.
-Yay chef from Chicago! I have to admit that her take on duck a l'orange looked amazing.
-I knew it would be Nimma, who would "pack her knives and go." It's a shame, but she didn't look like she could hack it. The first one to leave is always so sad, because you never find out how good a chef she really is.

Next week:

Chef drama! Lincoln Park Zoo? Why didn't I ever hear about Top Chef events? See ya'll next time!